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I really do not have much to say today. Valentines Day was pretty uneventful. I got some candy from coworkers.. Oh, my Gay boy (the one I'm in love with) sent me roses...well...a picture of roses via text. I thought that was sweet...until I found out he sent it to all of his "best friends". Sigh...why oh why has my heart chosen this one to attach to. I'm supposed to hang out with him and our other friend tonight for Valentine's Day after his rehearsals. (He's an actor. Yet another con. I'm also an actor...I recognize the fact that actors are a pain to date.) I don't really want to. Because it will be too late and I have to work in the morning and also because I am truly selfish and want to spend Valentines just with him not he and his other best friend and whoever else he'll probably invite. I'm so disillusioned! Its just that...dispite all of his flaws...and he has many...he is a wonderful person. Genuinely wonderful. He is also so beautiful. I've never fallen for a guy because of his good looks. Actually, my type are those guys that have dork appeal. You know the kind! They are kind of dorky but theres something about them that just turns you on. He isn't like that. He use to be a model. He is simply gorgous! Half white and half American Indian. Oh just beautiful! He has light brown hair...almost blonde. Blue eye and full lips. His high cheek bones and unusual bone structure brings out the indian in him. His eyes are blue but sometimes they are green. Sometimes hazel. And the way he stares at me. Its like he can see right through me. I'm sometimes imbarrassed when he stares at me. I almost think he knows the truth about my feelings for him. I often wish it and wish that he secerately felt the same way for me. Hahaha!!! Stupid I know!! He's gay for goodness sakes! But there is still hope. I want to see him tonight. I miss him. But I like that. We have seen each other every week for almost a year now. We've known each other for...I think 3 years. Maybe four. But we didn't start hanging out till my birthday last year. To my surprise he showed up to my party...he and his boyfriend at the time. I celebrated my birthday the entire weekend. He and his boyfriend were 2 of the very small group who spent my entire birthday weekend with me. Starting that weekend we have spent every weekend together sense. I became extremely close to he and his boyfriend. People refered to me as their wife. I didn't mind that at all. His boyfriend was hot, too. Though, I never fell for him. I had fallen for my gay lover (from here on out refered to as) long before my birthday weekend. It was almost a year before that when he was with a completely different guy! I was there for him when that relationship ended and I was there for him when the other relationship ended and I was there for him when this relationship ended. Although, this guy I really liked and hoped the two would have stayed together. This guy was great! I loved him like my brother. It was like a custody battle when they broke up. Which way would I go? Its so silly. At first I had to juggle my time with each of them and lie a lot of the time about where I was so I wouldn't hurt one or the other's feelings. But, recognizing that I was my gay lover's friend first, the boyfriend kinda backed off. We still hang out but not as often. Gay lover gets priority. Should I go out with him? I'm trying not to be so...there all the time. Our other friend...well...he is always there. Kinda on the clingy side with my gay lover. He's gay too and...I suspect also is in love with him. So...I try not to demand gay lover's time. He has so many friends. He is one of those guys who loves everyone and everyone loves him. So...I try to make sure he has plenty space and to never feel like I'm crowding him. He does complain of our friend crowding him. I've worned our friend about that before gay lover even said that...but he ignored me. I don't ever want to be him. I do love him, though. We are friends at least. I wouldn't want anything less. If this is all I can get (and logically it is) I am more than happy. See...I told you this was going to be sensless babble. |
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Posted by jw on 2008-02-15 00:34:14 | Rating: | Views: 81
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Ok, first of all...an actor???? Hmm.
Second, ENUF WITH THE GAY TALK!!! OK, WE GET IT! HE IS GAY! Let it freaken go! If you keep harping on the detail, how will you ever get past it? How can you expect to change him if you keep slapping the same sticker on him?:P I know, you are battling between realities. One side of you says "this is truth" and the other side tells you the opposite. Can't decide. I get it. But, let it go! Or move on! Stop poking the gay finger and stop calling your own work here babble. You have every right to express yourself...as ppl tell me, be more self-confident. At least give your words credit/title. No one wants to read babble, and are you really getting anything out of this if you have public viewing but no input? You're an actor, for crying out loud:P heh.
Oh, and a picture of flowers??? That's worse than real flowers!:P I HATE cell phones and especially texting! Just plain inhuman and retarded.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-02-16 02:51:39
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