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I'v not been here for a while now, life seems really good at the moment, which although i am happy and grateful with my lot, its nice to have a change.
I'v been seeing a lovely man for a little while now, in 10yrs i'v had one serious relationship which was with, what turned out to be a very controlling, selfish and emotionally abusive man, that took a good 3 months to get out of my life.
Now i have met this beautiful, funny, tactile and caring man, who takes nothing for granted, who talks, and more importantly listens and is gentle and freindly and considerate with my children.
I have just one worry, but in the light of the pleasure i get from my new man, its probably nothing. My 14 year old isn't the most confident boy in the world, even when with friends, if u look close enough he is on the sidelines a little, not quite as outgoing and "game" as he thinks he looks.
He is not so relaxed and open with my new man, he has a barrier like the great wall of china.
I can understand why, he isn't rude or anything, its just that my last boyfriend of 3months was rough with him, pretending to play, but spiteful, and he treated all of us like crap really, but he really was horrible to the children, he let his barriers down and got it full in the face, it wasn't untill i'd finished with him that i discovered that he'd actually hit my son, so its quite understandable why he won't let anybody else in.
I think with time, and patience at his own pace he will come around, my ex was pushy and used to suck upto him, my new boyfriend isn't so desperate for his approval, and will let him make up his own mind when he is ready.
All i'v asked of my son is that he should be polite and relax a bit, and not take what Clive done to him out on me or my new man, i think he gets where i am coming from, i'v explained that the two men in is life so far were bad examples, and they aren't all the same, even though i have wondered my self on many occasions, My sons dad was the worst example of niceness you could meet, he made Hitler look like a lamb, an awful vicious man, and then Clive, the ex boyfriend.
Its no surprise he is cautious, but right now, i think i have met my soul mate, honest, caring, open, cuddly, strong and clean.
As my ex warned me on several occasions after i kicked him out that he'd kill any man he ever saw me with, my new man being taller, younger, and mentally healthir should not be threatened too much by him, hopefull it was all B.S, i hope i don't ever find out, the ex was a hot head, usually only beat children, women, pensioners and people in uniform.
I thought he had a borderline personality disorder, only well over the border if u know what i mean.
How can some one u are with for such a small space in your dent it so easily and permenently,
I was once told, we attract the same sorts every time, I hope not, they all start out nice, but if they didn.t u wouldn't give them a second glance, its just that i can't be a punchbag again, and neither can my kids, i want this so badly to work out, i deserve a decent life, a decent relationship, someone i smile at every day for the rest of my life, some1 i miss when they aren't here, not someone i wish would piss off out the door.
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Posted by justamother on 2008-04-09 03:00:14 | Rating: | Views: 57
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I see what you mean. It's very difficult to let someone into your life when you have suffered abuse in a previous relationship. But I think time is what you need. Time to assess the situation and see if this new man deserves you and should take a permanent place in your life. Perhaps what you may consider doing is to keep your relationship between yourself and the guy before involving your child.I say this because if you introduce him too early, your children will always end up sharing your disappointment if the relationship ends. Only when you are confident that the guy is there to stay should you involve your children.
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Posted by ffeeona
on 2008-04-09 05:56:15
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thankyou for your thoughts, i totally agree, i'm taking it slowly for the kids sake as much as mine, and i'm sure my son will open up in time, my new man is very patient, and without giving him details of my previous relationships, e is understanding.
I want to keep the past in the past as far as the 2 exes are concerned, but i don't want secrets, nor will i allow my seflf to be viewed as a "victm" or "survivor", that was some1 else, this is me now. When i am confident as to how the relationship is panning out, maybe it'll be easier to discuss issues that i have hidden for the past ten years.
Again, Thankyou
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Posted by justamother
on 2008-04-09 07:11:58
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Most 14 year old boys are just beginning to pull away from mom and it is reasonable that he would question the new man's motives. Slowly, ever so slowly encourage small fun events that your son would find enjoyable. At this age, it is important that he have a friend go along to enjoy the time with. 14 year old boys are awkward, and sensitive and they enjoy their peers so much more than mom/bf. While he is having fun with his friend, he will notice how kind your new friend is to you. Trust must be earned, it is not something easily given, taken his record with men. He will do fine, just don't force it too fast and don't underestimate the power of bringing along the friends. peace ;) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-04-16 12:05:24
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