Thoughts.com Blogs

View Blog

Struggles

I have read It's All In Your Head and now The Broken Brain in my search to understand me. My fears, anxieties and depression have ruled my life long enough. I have been through years of therapy & drugs with only temporary reprieves. Aside from living with past memories, I have to deal with daily struggles in my life.

I have an older teenage son whose life is in the toilet. I constantly tell myself this is due to his own bad choices, but I can't help feeling somehow responsible. I have a younger son with ADD & OCD. He also has a problem with unreasonable fears...something I'm supposed to take him to a child psychiatrist for. His fears are along the lines of a scratch or bug bite causing him disabilities or even death. This, too, I feel somehow responsible even though my fears are more realistic (household accidents, car accidents). I also have a teenage daughter with learning disabilities and seizures. She was born this way with no genetic ties. So far, my youngest teenage daughter seems to be the only one who has it together. She, too, has ADD but it's under control.

See, I just look back at that paragraph and say it's all me, me, me. I have messed up my childrens lives. It's not fair to them at all! BUT then again I also realize I have no control over seizures, ADD or OCD. Aren't I a confusing person? I know they have legitimate medical problems, but I can't help but feel responsible! Hopefully, my search for understanding will contain some answers.

Posted by judylee on 2009-01-09 08:22:38 | Rating:

| Views: 68

Email This to a Friend

Print This Blog Post

Bookmark:

Permalink:

Blog Comments

I don't have any children, but I am the only child of a single mother and from this I have gained some insight. The struggles you speak of remind me of a struggle my mother and I had. You see, I was born a homosexual.
My mother being a strong and loyal Christian didn't help with the acceptance of this in our lives. She spent a lot of time wondering what she had done wrong, what would happen to my soul, and what she could do to make it right and to help.

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with me. I'm the first in my family to graduate college, I was completely financially independent at 17, I paid off all school loan and was debt-free by 24 years old. And now at 25 I live on central park west in manhattan work only 3 days a week, and spend the rest of my time helping at shelters, fighting for animal rights and blogging. She did nothing wrong. She can't "help" all she (or any mother) can do is love. Being born gay has made my life harder in many unexplainable ways, but it has made me stronger, smarter, and better.

I believe everything happens for a reason (call me a helpless romantic) and the things in life that make it harder also give more dimension to ones thoughts and perceptions. But I think what matters most is love. Give them love and hope for the best...
... I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but i hope so! :)

Posted by theinnermonologue on 2009-01-29 16:47:15

Thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness. I have always done what I thought was best for my children. I have just recently faced the fact that all I can do for my oldest is love him. I can't choose his actions for him. My other kids are still so young. I hope they make better choices than he has.

As for your being gay, I have a brother who is gay. He has been through quite a few trials in life. Being in the military just proves to me how strong he is. BUT he still continues to struggle because of the way society looks at homosexuals.

Posted by judylee on 2009-02-02 09:22:44