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sick

So I have healed.

I have moved on from Robert.

I do not like him.

I do not love him.

I am over him.

But I am not over the idea of him.

Whenever the next guy comes around I want things to go slow!

REALLY slow.

But I can't help myself from missing having that guy.

I miss having someone call every moning to hear my voice.

I miss having someone care so so much about me and put me before any one else.

I miss that guy that holds my hand and never wants to let go.

I miss that guy that looks into my eyes like I am so wonderful to him.

I miss loving someone.

I miss calling that guy and telling him how much I miss him.

I miss hearing about his day: the good and the bad.

I miss learning about things that were important to him like football.

When I think about Robert I am disgusted but when I think about the old us I get sad.

I am glad I got to experience those things but I wish they didn't have to leave.

I am trying so hard to enjoy being a lone with God.

And for the most part I do.

But when I see the couples holding hands

and I see them kissing

and I see them looking into each other's eyes

and I see them making plans for homecoming...

it hurts.

And I think what hurts the most right now is seeing Sara pregnant.

That was supposed to be me.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't lost the baby.

Would Robert still love me?

Would be still be together?

Would we be married?

What would my life be like?

The baby would be six months right now.

I wonder it it was a boy or girl.

I wonder if it had blue eyes or brown.

I wonder if it would have brown hair or blonde like when I was born.

Would it look like me?

Or would it look like him?

Would I have been a good mom; and him a good dad?

Would the baby love me?

What would my life be like?