I will forever be crying, tears have been stained upon my cheeks and no matter what there isnt anything I can do to wipe them off. I live life like a clown, I put on all the makeup to hide true feelings, I laugh and smile as if nothing is bothering me. But underneath thie makeup, underneath this false personality lies the real me. The me whose tears have forever been stained upon my cheeks. Many ask why I cry? But like in all situations in order to understand them you must be apart of them. So you ask why I cry? Why tears have been stained upon me? I had an abusive mother who physically and sexually abused me, she comprised her life of smoking marijuana, sniffing cocaine, and drinking alcohol, I was thrown on the streets, stripped of my humanity. My father neglected me when I was born and I met him once before he died at age 80... 2 years ago.  It took 15 years of counseling to what they so call "fix me" I am now 19, I have survived it all and I did it as if these events never took place. But what haunts me most is I have been trying to find the "me" I dont know. I dont remember my life until the age of 9. Half of my life has disappeared and I have no accounts of it, nothing exist that could tell me who I was. I have no baby pictures, I dont remember anything at all and the family that I once had, sisters, brothers, have all drifted apart from me. I am not showing signs of self pity, I underdstand that there are those who have it worst, but this isnt about anyone else. This is about me, and how can I understand others, how can I help, how can I see through the eyes of others when I dont even know who I really am. I dont know why this has been on my mind recently but it has and its something I have to find the answer to. Its so hard having to deal with the fact that I wont be able to tell my kids how I was when I was little, how i acted, talk about my mother, my father. 9 years are gone, somewhere transcribed in history, and no records will ever be able to help me find who I really am. I can't even show a photo of myself before the age of 7, its something that has always haunted me and I need truths, I need answers. For now I sit up at night constantly thinking about what it was like, trying to put the pieces to the puzzle back together... but I have nothing. I look to the heavens and ask WHO AM I? So for now I start every day aknew, I put my makeup on, fake my smile, practice my laugh, and I walk into this world unknowing of who I truly am, my heart falls to the floor, dragging slugishly behind me. The tears stained on my cheeks, a child seemingly within a man, a body partially un-configured. Only when my my lost life has been found can I wipe away the stained tears that have constricted a man's whole being.