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Stress or something else?

I had a scheduled appointment with my Pastor this week and rescheduled it for the next night as I was not feeling well for our original appointment. i have been fighting my tummy this week and when I talked with her about it, she asked me what I thought it was about.

Well, I thought I had a touch of the flu, or I had eaten something that didn't agree with me, or maybe a reaction from the medicine for my cold last week. (or are these all excuses for something else?)

She asked me how much stress am I under right now. Um...a little.

I have still not finished some school paperwork from April. I have another school year starting sooner than later that I need to start getting ready for. I have to start prepping for a new program that I need to have in place by the first day of school. My son seems to have some emotional extremes lately. I'm used to him being very angry with me, but the clingy, loving boy he has become this week has me worried. My daughter doesn't seem that clingy to me, but since my parents have said something I'm a little bit more cautious about making sure she does things herself. i have 2 scary meetings coming up this week that I probably should get ready for, but have no desire to do that.

She asked if I thought I was dealing with a physical reaction to the stress. Hmmm...maybe?
I know that my sense of truth has been put to the test in the last few weeks and I'm sure that has something to do with it as well.

I never realized how alone I feel, even in this world of millions. She is really pushing me to take risks and be a lot more assertive to what I want. (scary) But I jumped in, what if I ask the questions or tell someone what I need and they never respond. Am i left with a terrible feeling of still not knowing or that the person doesn't care enough to respond. She said then the issue is the other persons issue, not mine as I have left the ball in their court. That's really hard...as i think a response is only a fair way to say yes, I heard you. She said no, maybe they can't answer me. (That sucks even more.)

I thought I was doing a great job of not taking all the blame for everything, I was really really, really trying and one letter in the mail pushed me back into a world of darkness. Even if it was only for a couple of days, I went there and it is a totally scary place to be. I bounced back...but is it still there doing a number on my tummy?

I had received several letters a while ago that were awful and I had to work really hard to open my mail again that was from an annoymous person. I was reminded that not opening and worrying about emails and letters was probably worse for me then opening them...
I was right...she was wrong. Scary.

Part of me is scared that people are going to see that I'm totally scared all the time. Scared of trying (and failing) wanting (and not getting) loving (and losing) believing (and not caring)

A year ago I would have believed that I deserved everything that was happening to me...and maybe a part of me still feels that way...but damnit...I'm working on it. Instead of saying I'm not worth it or I am totally to blame...now I'm telling you I'm scared. I think that is a huge step in the feeling better about oneself stage. (Now if I could just convinence my counselor of that...my goal for my meeting with her this week.) So, could this slipping back into an old me be causing the pain in my tummy? (or is it seriously the food?)

Here's the questions that need no answers, just to be left in the air, hanging there for me to breath in...So, is it stress or something else? Am I full of excuses or full of shit? Just because I feel like I'm trying to fix me, am I? Or is the rest of the world flawed and I'm just trying to catch up? :-)

Good night!