Thoughts.com Blogs

View Blog

Quiet?

I have been accused of being very quiet today by more than one person. Part of it was just that i haven't slept very good this last week (even though i went to be at 8:30 last night and got up at 8:30 this morning) and part of it I have a million little things floating around in my mind.

The selfish part of me wonders about a comment that was made to me when this whole mess began. Do you know that she is more confused about if she misses me or her husband more? That sentence runs through my mind at all times of the day and night and now that i know the answer it like my heart is breaking all over. I will never be forgiven for "choice" i've made. everyone else has or is working on being forgiven and i will never get that. And how selfish of me to ever think that i would be allowed that.

The selfish part of me also wants to be allowed to feel angry for all i've lost, but i am not allowed that either. there were choices that she also made that has extreme consequences for me and my role as a mother, a friend, and a church goer and yet in this world i am not allowed to feel that. i was told that "they would wrap their arms around her and never let me hurt her again" how does one respond to that?

But the part that hurts me more than all of these is what it has done to my children. They miss friendships, comforts, and a happy family.

I would not change the past, even if it was an option, but i wish that i could have been stronger to stand up for myself isntead of go into hiding and let some of the world do the talking for me. I would have stayed on the preschool board. I would have faced those people who tormented me. I would have...I would have...I would have...

The difference of not changing the past is me. What could I have done differently?

The world will never know.