So, after my kids went to bed last night I did something I knew I had to do, but was also dreading more than I can even begin to tell you.

I told my parents about Jackson...I mean all the things I have been hiding from them, all the times he has hurt me...not only physically but mentally...and how on Monday he came at me with raised fists intending to do some really bad harm.  I told them how awful our mornings and nights are.  How he fights with us over everything...even the smallest tiniest thing can send him over the edge.

And you know what they said...well, maybe you should be more consistent and then blamed me for moving out last year.  I should have stuck it out at home...BLAH BLAH BLAH!  And that they notice he does these things more to me than anyone else...he must really be upset with me and doesn't know how to express it...

 WHAT THE FUCK!  You have to be fucking kidding me!  We have taken things away from him, we have taken him out of restaurants, we have followed through with the things we say to him...it's just that his mind does not tolerate it...and mentally he doesn't respond to things the way we do. 

The book I am reading (which I think I need to fast forward through to find out how to help him instead of explain him) has given me a total insight to the world my son lives in.  We got him into a counselor which starts in a week. I am doing my part to help myself as well...and yet a support I needed just told me the one thing I didn't. 

Once again...I'm not good enough.  I've failed.  And look what I did to harm my child...

Now where do I go?

But the difference this time...is I know that I'm doing the best for him and asking for help is the best way to start.  Even if some supports I need, can't be here for me right now.