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News from the counselor...

i gotta be honest, i really haven't enjoyed going to this new counselor. I know part of it has to do with my attitude and my response to her "help." Today I thought I would go in with better thoughts and i was happy with myself. However, i noticed how I avoided getting a babysitter until the last moment. And i've been a piece of crap to live with these last few days. I'll admit it, I was a b**ch.

I got there and they had been running late due to no power since Thursday. They had no idea who was coming in today or not. (my first thought, you mean i could have skipped this and no one would have noticed?)

Within the first 2 minutes I was told that she isn't sure this is the place for me anymore. That most people going to counseling seem to feel better afterwards and for whatever reason I seems to be stuck. My reaction immediatly was I'm so messed up that she doesn't even want to continue with me, but as she talked I realized she got me. She was telling me what I needed to hear and for once I felt such relief.

Some things she mentioned...
-While I'm sitting around waiting for Melissa to talk to me again (which she made sure to note will probably never happen again...which i know) i could be working on taking care of her best friend. (wow)

-When the kids do something to hurt themselves of course they are going to get a punishment, but is it a lifetime punishment as I apparently have decided I deserve? (hmm...)

-Melissa was hurting at the beginning and she was out to destroy me and I let her do a very effective job of right at that time, but it's been over a year and when will I take the power back? (good question)

-Can I live in my world with half of me never going to forgive myself...and keep it down far enough to live a happy life. (interesting)

-What makes me happy enough to desire it as much as the hurt i cause myself? (don't know)

Anyway, I left there today with more of a smile on my face then tears in my eyes. She gave me a million things to think about and the physical exhaustion of it all is wearing on me. I hope that I can be that person I want to be and that includes being nice to all the people I want in my life.