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frustrated

I'm frustrated
How could a trip to church tonight scare me and hurt me as much as it did?
Her car was there when I arrived and my reaction was to hide.
My heart was beating so quickly i could hardly breath.
It felt like it could jump out of my chest and at points I wished it would.

I walked to church and felt so good about the exercise, the time by myself, listening to music I enjoy...
until I walked into the lot.
Her car was there.
Now what do I do?
Do I say hello?
Do I ignore her?
Do I yell at her like I want?
Do I slap her?
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

I walked into the room where my group usually meets. I had to leave the room for a moment and the anxiety that built up was enormous. I talked myself into doing my job because "this is my church too."
But then, I heard her, her voice still haunts me for she is the one who can strike fear. And instead of dealing with, I ran back to the room as quickly as i could.

I sat there with the tears welling, so frustrated with myself for hiding once again. How could I let her do that to me again? And yet, she didn't do anything to me again. I'm the one with the images, the thoughts, the fears.

The million "what if's" that i can't stand, can't deal with, and can't live with. I have to figure out how to deal with all of those feelings before this frustration takes over.