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| Can I be happy? Probably not!
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The more I go through counseling the more I realize how much I punish myself for the choices in my past. It's my way, it's what I feel comfortable with, it's what I know.
Everytime I think about being happy I convience myself that i don't deserve it and I will never deserve it, so why fight the me that is really true. And so I don't. For example, tonight I am wanting to play softball with our church league and yet I've convinced myself that because of the people there who think they know me will be there as well, I will be standing in the line of judgement (as I believe i should be) and will not get to enjoy it.
My wedding ring was found after 5 weeks and I don't know how to enjoy it. Had it not returned, I would know exactly how to feel about it...I was being punished, but because something good came...I don't know how to receive that.
Anytime that I sign up to do something for myself or even think about wanting to do something for myself I find a way to sabatoge it so I won't get the enjoyment I might find.
In the last two days I have been told by a couple of different people that I can sometimes intimidate people...which totally amazes me. How can I intimidate people? But the more I thought about it, I think it's because if I intimidate them then I don't have to feel them wanting to help me...does that make any sense?
I anger people just so I know they will leave just like everyone else does. I can feel bad that my counselor wants to send me to another person because they have more skills in dealing with my issues then she does and turn that into the idea that she is ditching me. I can turn something fun, like playing softball into a torture event.
Because in my mind...this is what I deserve. I hurt two very important people in my life. I did it. It was me...all me...this is what I deserve. (or is it)
I know I do this...the question is why? As soon as I figure it out...I'll probably be dead.
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Posted by jringwald on 2008-05-20 09:06:28 | Rating: | Views: 62
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I'm sorry about the church thing. You should go and prove yourself wrong! Sometimes when I don't feel like doing something, I just tell myself that I am going to have a good time when I go. The more I do it, the more it works. Feel better!
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Posted by Omphalos
on 2008-05-20 18:16:53
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