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There are 2 hours before the meeting and at this point I just don't care. Don't get me wrong, I want this to happen. i actually need it to happen so everyone is clear about where we are, but i just don't care too much about the results other than it needs to be done. I am tired of strange people stopping me (still...had it happpen 2 weeks ago) and talking to me in that accusing voice. The lady who stopped me at school, said, what you do in your private life does not effect how I feel about you in a teacher. However, you will have to face the Lord for your mistakes and that is who I need to get right with.
How does one get over that? I'm just tired. Mentally I just can't do it anymore and that is what I'm going in there to say today. My counselor said that she was out to destroy me a year ago and at that time I probably deserved it. But I've been working really damn hard to not let things like this get me so far down that I don't feel like I can ever recover.
And maybe that is why I'm facing this day with a who cares attitude. I've done the worse to myself and there is nothing and I mean NOTHING that she can say today that will be any worse. I've fallen off the map with friends which I'm learning to say is okay. Instead, I'm working on being okay with me just being with me. Focusing on my needs of today and not tomorrow. Learning how to say the things to those around me that I need to.
A few weeks ago I had a huge turning point and since then I've done a really good job of taking care of me. A few weeks ago in talking with my pastor I said that this was all my fault, I have been taking everyone's blame to make it easier on them. That it makes life easier if they (and I mean everyone) has someone as the scapegoat to blame. I was willing, ready, and able to take on the responsibiltiy. (so to speak) But somehow, that night I had a moment of hearing her say, but "why?"
The simplest question and yet no answer whatsoever! Why should I take this all on myself? I was betrayed by everyone, just as i betrayed everyone. I had a right to be angry and I did. Boy did i get angry! I said a lot of things to people (even if it was just in my head) that I know would be hurtful. I went through it too. I was hurting too. I lost people too. I had a right to be loved during that time and I was so un-willing to ask for it that I let it slip through my fingers.
I faced the truth and to me this is the last step in dealing with all of this. If it doesn't turn out how I think it should, who cares? I am working on being good with me and that is the most important person anyway? My kids need a healthy mom and damnit, I deserve to be healthy.
I love those who have stuck by me. I love that they are able to see that I was not always the best I could be. But those lucky few who managed to see past the clouds and see me...I thank you. I love you. Now let's face the rest together! |
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Posted by jringwald on 2008-07-16 12:47:15 | Rating: | Views: 24
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