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Officially, I've had migraine headaches for 16 years, but honestly, I can always remember having headaches, even as a kid. When I've got some kind of treatment that works, I only get 3 or 4 a month, but when my current treatment isn't working (like now), I have 5-7 a week, which sucks. I guess I've gotten a few good things out of the deal - an encycopedic knowledge of prescription drugs, an understanding of how to deal with doctors and the medical system - but for the most part, all I've gotten out of it is a lot of pain and frustration. And unfortunately, migraines are not my only chronic illness - I have a few others that are a bit too technical or personal to get into right now - so what it all boils down to is that I take a lot of meds, spend too much time in hospitals, and feel like crap a bit too often.
I think everyone who has a chronic illness probably struggles with the same question at one time or another: do I let my illness define me, or do I define myself, and is my illness only a small part of my identity? I'd like to think I'm capable of self-definition, but I know there are plenty of times that I let the illness take over, and I hate it. We've all seen the movies where some guy with a terrible disability is able to live a happy life despite the odds, and I wonder: why can't I be that guy? I feel like, if I can't push past the pain and go out and do things all the time, then I'm not really in charge of my own life. So when I do decide to lie in bed and take a Vicodin for the pain, and then I can't grade my papers or whatever, I feel rotten for two reasons: once for the pain, and once for the guilt. It just feels SO stupid to have to go in to school the next day and say "Sorry, the papers aren't done yet because I had a headache".
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Posted by jmolinari on 2008-01-05 16:01:30 | Rating: | Views: 40
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