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Okay, so I've been single for most of my life. And, besides the creepy guys that are hard to get rid of because they see no reason why you shouldn't date them -- and the occasional bouts of loneliness, I REALLY enjoyed being single. I mean, such potential! Every guy you met could've been the next flirtation, the next crush, the next relationship. It was exciting, it was empowering, it was freedom, pure and simple. The sky was the limit.
Mack and I have been dating six months (almost). And its been quite the experience. Almost since the beginning we've talked of marriage. Yeah, I know we're moving too fast... but when you say: "Sorry, dude, I'm waiting until marriage to go any further." well, he's bound to chomp the bit a little. We decided the absolute soonest we could get married is next May, when both our respective rents come to an end and its time to get a new apartment. We thought, hey, why not get our first apartment together then?? Sometimes I'm so enthusiastic about marrying him that I want the ring right now, and other times I want to turn and walk away from him forever, back to the single life with all its endless possibilities...
He's so resolute. So unwaivering in his choice to marry me. Its too incredible to believe! He's only 19 at the moment. He'll be 20 in another two weeks. I'm the only girl he's ever kissed. His first love. Shouldn't he want to mess around with other girls, (sample what's out there, as it were), before he decides to settle down? How can he be so sure that I'm the one he wants forever and always? Aren't we too young to be tied down to each other?
The insightful reader will realize, of course, as I have, that I have these doubts about him because I doubt my own conviction. I worry under nameless, shapeless fears that I dare not even speak into being. Will I always love him? Will I regret my choice? Will some one I would rather have married cross my path just a few years down the road -- when its too late? Will we hate each other in the end?
But he loves me so much. I don't know if just anyone can see it, but its so obvious to me: its in his eyes, his actions, his words, the way he immediately tries to right a wrong -- or even a joke gone awry. Do I love him as much as he loves me? Could I ever? Would I ever, EVER, find anyone who loves me so completely and sincerely?
I think the reason why my feet are so cold is because I feel reality setting in. I miss the limitless possibility I had before. For instance, when I imagined Prince Charming he never had a face. He could've been anyone. When I thought of my future, it was always boundless. I could live anywhere life took me and do anything I put my mind to. I have cold feet because this decision determines the rest of my life. It puts a boundary around my future and it tells me to color inside the lines. With this decision Prince Charming becomes, not a dreamy ideal, but a real person, with real faults and struggles, deep brown eyes and hair, and an ornery, mischievous disposition.
I know what you're thinking: I don't deserve him and his unfaltering love. And I don't. But... really, who would? I will take this man as my husband next May (if all goes to plan), because I cannot bear to think of life without him. And hopefully, life will not be unbearable with him. Lol! *crossing fingers!*
I pray to God (please dear, gracious, merciful God!) that my cold feet will warm up soon!
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Posted by jessiejay12 on 2008-07-16 12:21:48 | Rating: | Views: 31
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