Thoughts.com Blogs - CRAZY MIND F***ED UP LIVING!

TO BE HONEST MY DAY IS GOING GOOD BUT MY MOOD IS NOT. I FEEL TRAPPED SOMEWHERE IN MY LIFE AND YET I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS. WHAT KEEPS MY SMILE UP SIDE DOWN? WHY DO I FEEL THIS HURT INSIDE, THIS ANGER TRYING TO BREAK FREE FROM ME. I LOVE MY JOB AND MY CHILDREN, MY HUSBAND IS GREAT AS OF THIS MOMENT ANYWAY, WE WILL HAVE TO SEE WHAT THE DAY BRINGS. COULD THAT BE IT IS IT MY LIFE AS THIS MANS WIFE???? NO IT CAN'T BE HE IS A GOOD MAN, HE TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY AND HE WORKS HARD TO PROVED FOR US AS WE NEED. HE HELPS OUT WITH THE KIDS AND HE LOVES TO WATCH OUR SON PLAY BALL HE WORKS WITH HIM ON HIS GAME. HE IS HOME AT NIGHT WHEN HE IS ON THE A SHIFT, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? ME???? YES THATS WHAT IT IS IT IS ME!! I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS NOT THE MARRYIN KIND. I ALWAYS KNEW I HAD TO BE FREE TO FLY AND ROAM AS I FELT THE NEED. THOUGH WHEN I HAD THAT FREEDOM I FELT ALONE AND LOST. I FELT A VOID IN SIDE MYSELF. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW AND MAYBE ITS NOT MY HUSBAND THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING SO MUCH MORE WITHIN MY LIFE. THAT IS NOT HIS FAULT IT IS MINE I KNOW THIS AND I AM WORKING ON FINISHING GOALS I HAVE SET. I JUST FEEL LIKE I AM IN THE WRONG SPOT AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. MAYBE IT IS A MIND THING I HAVE GOING ON. ONE DAY I AM GREAT AND THE NEXT I FEEL COMPLETELY UNHAPPY. NOT WITH MY WHOLE LIFE JUST PARTS OF IT. THEN I THINK MAYBE IT IS STRESS. I DONT KNOW IT COULD BE SO MANY THINGS. A SHRINK NOW THAT COULD BE MY ANSWER. I NEED A SHRINK OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE I REALLY FEEL CRAZY. JUST THE THOUGHT I HAVE ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL WHO THE HELL DOES THAT? I DONT THINK ABOUT HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE SO NOT THAT KIND OF CRAZY BUT JUST BLANK THOUGHTS ABOUT NOTHING AND THEY MEAN NOTHING. ITS WILD REALLY. ITS LIKE MY BRAIN IS FRIED BUT I HAVE DONE NO DRUGS.... NOW THATS LOONEY TUNES FOR REAL.
I WANT TO GO AWAY AND JUST BE ALONE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT I NEED AND HOW I FEEL, I CANT WITH MY RESPONSABILITIES BUT I KNOW I NEED TOO!!! IT WONT HAPPEN AND SO I CONTINUE TO WRITE HERE FOR YOU ALL TO SEE THE CRAZY MIND OF "JESSFREETHINKIN". ONE DAY MY EYES WILL OPEN AND I WILL SEE ALL THE CRAP THAT IS LAID AT MY FEET AND I WILL SORT IT OUT AND UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO MESSED UP AND WHY MY THOUGHT PROCESS IS THE WAY IT IS!!!!! THERE IS A REASON I AM WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!! I JUST HAVE TO FIND IT AND WORK IT OUT, A LITTLE TIME AND A LOT OF THOUGHT IT WILL HAPPEN I JUST HOPE IT DOES NOT MARK MY KIDS IN THE PROCESS..... GOD WILL KNOW AND HE WILL MOVE ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION MORE CONVERSATION WITH HIM MAY HELP THE PROCESS ALONG YA THINK?