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| My name is not Jessica...
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...but you probably knew that already.
The blogging world is full of people who want to be "real" and "authentic" - exposing the innermost parts of themselves to complete strangers - and yet remain...unknown.
So - I am joining the blogging world here on thoughts.com - as Jessica.
In order for you to understand me you need to know some background information. Please be aware this information is not completely accurate. But you will know all you need to in order to understand the bulk of this blog.
I am a 25 year old woman.
I grew up going to church and became a Christian at a very early age.
In my early teenage years I found myself attracted to girls.
I ignored it and pushed it down and prayed for God to change me.
I went to a Christian college and majored in ministry.
I was still attracted to girls in college.
I ignored it and pushed it down and prayed for God to change me.
I married a man (whom I truly loved) and he chose to betray me.
I was attracted to my husband, but I was also attracted to women, specifically - my best friend.
I ignored it and pushed it down and prayed for God to change me.
I divorced said man and found freedom in more ways that I could have imagined.
I found myself attracted to a new friend.
I ignored it and pushed it down and prayed for God to change me.
Then, finally…
I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I accepted the fact that I am attracted to women.
I prayed for God to change me.
I begged God to change me.
I didn't change.
I believed I could not choose to live out my attraction and still be in ministry.
I left ministry.
I believed I had to turn away from God in order to live out my attraction.
I turned away from God.
I lived out my attraction.
I screamed for God to change me.
I didn't change.
Then...a twist.
What if it's not a sin?
Is that an actual possibility?
There are people out there who live as Christians and lesbians...how do they do that?
The Bible clearly says it is sin.
I don't understand.
So I began searching.
I read many different interpretations of the scriptures which seem to speak against homosexuality.
I started praying again.
I am in the process of becoming an ordained minister.
I asked God to reveal to me if it is sin (before I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to know).
I feel nothing but His complete acceptance and love for me.
I am 97% sure it is not sin.
If sin is something which separates us from God, my only sin would be turning away from Him in ignorance.
I am turned towards Him now and seeking His will.
If He tells me this is sin and I need to change – I will trust in His strength to change me.
He has not told me this is sin.
What do I do now?
My hope is that this blog will help others understand the struggle lesbians/gays have in reconciling their faith and feelings and also serve to connect me with those who have already come out so I may learn from their lives.
I am not completely reconciled -
But I am closer than ever.
And am beginning the adventure of a lifetime…
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Posted by jess5ica on 2008-05-01 23:07:05 | Rating: | Views: 115
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| Blog Comments
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hi jessica...
nothing against you or your faith...but why don't you concentrate on being happy in your own skin first...i think it's your life to live and you've spent a long time on this...
good luck...
:o)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-05-01 23:18:33
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My faith is my skin.
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Posted by jess5ica
on 2008-05-05 15:12:26
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i know I just commented on your other post.
But I can totally relate.
I try to ask God to change me everyday.
And it hurts.
Because He's the one guy I'm looking to not disappoint.
But He won't tell me that it's okay.
I'm glad I'm not the only devout Christian seekign the only approval that matters.
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Posted by brightbluecotton
on 2008-06-01 23:56:26
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