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My attempt at Trapeze

So heres how it went down

After the dark and ominous sky dropped yet another 5 inches of rain on this miserable state, we were all fairly certain that the class would be canceled. Much to our surprise, for the first time in 15 days, the sun decided to show its face long enough for us to attend our first trapeze lesson in the city. We arrived at the TSNY Trapeze School of New York) way ahead of schedule because we decided not to stop for ice cream on the way as originally planned (thank god). This extra half hour was just enough time for us to sit there, stare at what appeared to be the structurally unsound contraption we would be swinging from, and build up just enough anxiety to consider turning around and heading to the closest cold stone creamery. Before we could make a break for it, our (gorgeous) instructor Jessie came to start the class. I immediately was regretting the decision to wear spandex and a gray football t-shirt as gray is the most unforgiving color when it comes to showing sweat.

As Jessie began explaining the rules we must follow I became quite concerned. When he got to rule #2 (of 3) he said evenly, “it is important that you ALWAYS listen…since I had already missed out on rule number 1, I was instantly concerned. A very audible “uh oh” erupted out of mouth. I had a sneaky suspicion that maybe Trapeze wasn’t going to be the sport for me. However, my fears were quickly replaced by entertaining thoughts of bringing home Jesse, a trapeze artist, and introducing him to my parents as my new boyfriend : )…As I forced myself back into reality (or my version of reality), I was pretty sure I had missed some other pertinent safety information. I was afraid that Jessie had noticed my complete lack of ability to pay attention, so in an attempt to prove myself, I blindly volunteered the next time Jessie asked someone to demonstrate. What I didn’t hear at the time before I shot my arm in the air was Jessie say, “Who would like to be our next dummy”. So there I was, arm in the air, smiling like a clown, with my harness wrapped around my waist so tight that I could barely breath, looking exactly like what he had requested: a dummy.

Once it was finally time to get up there and try it, I decided to go first (before my sisters)…a result of some underlying need I have to look brave because I’m the youngest child, probably because my mom used to make me wear no fear shirts...it was kind of like when I got my ears pierced and told everyone it didn’t hurt even though when the earring got stuck halfway through my lobe they had to manually force it through themselves and it caused me so much pain I thought I was going vomit. But anyways, I’m pretty sure my weak attempt at bravery was immediately transparent as my legs were uncontrollably shaking with each cautious step I took on the unsteady ladder. At the top of the narrow platform I was met by a tiny girl named Zane who was no more than 100lbs and expecting me to trust that she was strong enough to hold me as I dangled over the edge of the platform. After endless reassurance, I finally reached out and grabbed the bar, all the while praying that my knees would hold out long enough to disguise a fall on my part as an intentional dismount. The little man (who resembled a 5ft version of John Leguizamo in Moulin Rouge) finally yelled “hep”, which in trapeze translates to: JUMP! So now I’m flying, which is great, until I heard little man barking more orders at me. I did my best to obey, however my delayed reaction to his instruction was not well received. Little man made sure he told me so as I army crawled off the net to him. He managed to conceal his disappointment with a condescending tone similar to the one I only use on the SPO athletes when they are misbehaving.

Ok so Steph’s first flight

To be perfectly honest, we were predicting all day that this very moment was going to be the highlight of the class (this of course was after we learned that Char had chickened out). As I stood on the ground and watched her cautiously clutch each rung of the ladder, I could almost see her fear of heights radiating out from her body. Instantly, I flashed back to our roller coaster hunting days when Steph would cry the whole way up while I instigated by inquiring (out loud) her opinion on what would happen if our vests unlocked during the flips. Much to my surprise (and secret disappointment), she managed to crawl up the ladder without any real hiccups. At one point I even thought maybe we had exaggerated her potential freak out… But, being the reliable individual she is, Steph didn’t disappoint. As soon as I heard her yelp “I CAN’T!” I knew we were in for something reallllly special.

Now my mind is on sensory overload…she’s not only second guessing the person holding her while simultaneously yelling at little man down below, but she’s even gone so far as to treat us to some real deal waterworks. I’m so excited that my mind starts time traveling. I flashback to a similar situation involving Kristin Durante circa ’97 when she begged my mom to call the Pequannock Fire Department because she was stuck on our 7ft shed that she had climbed on for no reason. (Luckily, I was in a tree nearby with my binoculars and shin guards to spot her in her time of need and immediately sprung into action as I shimmied down the tree to get mom).

Back to trapeze…so now we’re all standing there, mouths agape trying to predict her next move. We contemplated how to react…do we laugh? Offer words of encouragement? Or remain completely still and silent (like how we had to be when she played video games). Little Man took action before we had to make this controversial decision. He foolishly yelled, “if you say you can’t you won’t” A phrase that had already been permanently ingrained in every member of the Durante house as my dad used to repeat it like a broken record back in the softball glory days. Still paralyzed with fear, Stephanie manages to shoot Little Man a look that says “if I ever get off this platform I’m going to step on you”.

Eventually when she realizes the only other way down is the cold and slippery ladder; she decides to take the leap. I assume this was a decision based primarily on the off chance that she might accidentally swing and kick little man in the head. This of course was only wishful thinking on her part. I should also add that once she finally dismounted, she executed the rest of her flight with precision only someone who had gymnastics training could do. Incidentally, Stephanie was a competitive gymnast for a greater part of her life so this wasn’t too surprising for Kristin and me. However, the nine year old in the class who didn’t speak English and still managed to follow directions better than me seemed to be impressed by her Nadia Comaneci-like skills. Once safely on the ground Little Man presses his luck by treating Stephanie’s jump as if she were an infant who just took her first steps…Stephanie ate it up.

Just when I didn’t think I could take anymore excitement, the ever graceful Kristin steps up to the ladder. She was the only one who seemed to be unfazed by the task at hand. She jumps without any trouble, but decides she’s going to ignore Little man and swing however she pleases. This prompts little man to interject snarky comments about Kristin being able to read his mind, further emphasizing my hatred toward him. I mean I’m not opposed to sarcasm, as long as it’s coming from the mouth of someone who looks like Jessie or someone who is actually funny. Needless to say, Kristin’s execution of the transfer and back flip wasn’t cirque de solei worthy.

We ended this disastrous lesson 20 minutes ahead of schedule, which I can only assume was some sort of divine intervention. As we left the premises (without any documentation of the eventful day) we passed the same sign we saw on the way in. “TSNY-Don’t Worry about the Fear, Worry about the Addiction”…Short of Jessie inviting me for private lesson, I knew this was activity I would not be repeating. I felt a sudden wave of relief wash over me…at $80 a class, this was one more addiction my wallet couldn’t handle : )

Posted by jennadurante on 2009-11-07 09:59:23 | Rating: