backround in my entry: notes from underground

I need to get it all out there so im going to treat this like a therapy session.

 Well the girl i asked out to coffee, who i met at my party, hasnt replied yet. its been long enough to abandon reasonable hope. The last thing She wrote me on facebook was that she was really sick but would call me asap. I wrote back saying i hoped she got better soon so i could see her goregeous smile. not too foreward but definatly shows interest. Shes cute but uber religious, and as i am what might be called a practicing atheist, im not entirely sure we would have gotten along anyway. besides, shes a freshman. nevertheless, i have to say i liked her. 

So im reading this book, In the Lake of the Woods, by Tim O'Brien and for the love of me I cant stop finding parrallels with my life, which my rational mind assures me do not exist but my emotional heart attaches to a a last resort. An example. Right now the only girl i have ever dated in my life is in an intimate relationship which seemed to just spring out of no where. I have no doubt that we could ave been as close if it werent for my inability to show human desire, needs, passions. In the book, the main characters wife leaves him for a few days and runs off with another man. She does this to show him what he could potentially be loosing. The girl I dated said numerous times that if i kept on making her carry the whole load of the relationship she would leave me. Now she has. now i think this may be too show me something, BUT I KNOW ITS NOT. My heart just will not let go of the idea. She called me late last friday but i was too drunk and baked to remember what was said. i just called her back today, three days later,she of course did not pick up. I left a message, which is something i habitually abstain from doing. Also the book is serving as a bit of a guide for m, describing the kinds of spontanious love scenes which I have no experiance with, the kinds of displays that i know this girl was just waiting for ut i refused to give out of a confused sense of...well what I did i shouldnt have been doing because it made her feel unwanted. Should I read more love stories? being raised exclusivly by my mother, and never havin had a girlfriend, I am truly lost as how to act. What is expected? what makes you a lover as opposed to a jerk?

And so the two girls who might have been in my life are now both out of the picture. I need the solider in my heart, i know hes there but my ego is now strong enough again to deny him. What would my therapist say to that?

close your eyes, let your consciounsness come down to your heart, breathe, be present in your body. my ego screams foul play. I need more practice with meditation.

 Money is tight, but on the bright side i found a place to do my laundry for today. theres one good thing. 

I love to feel optimism. it manifests in my eyes. everything for me is in the eyes. confidence, happiness...far too often, in fact the majority of the time im awake, heavy lids, hair obscured vision, calculating, unresponsive

My mother recently told me that one day ill be happy. do I have to wait until my youth is over to be happy. Billy Joel wrote, "Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young." thats what it feels like for me. i read these stories of passion and have nothing to relate. my life has been uterlly devoid of passion. My greatest fear is that one day ill wake up an old man, look back on my youth, and find nothing worth remembering, nothing to admire. its enough to bring tears to my eyes as i sit here in the computer center of my student union.

Keep me searching for a heart of gold, and im gettin old