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Follow Your Feelings

I was talking with my aunt a few days ago and she was telling me she was miserable in her life. Almost immediately after saying that, though, she then said, “But I have a nice home and a nice car and enough money to live on and a husband who loves me and a wonderful daughter and fantastic grandkids. I should be happy.” I replied, “Did you hear what you said? ‘I should be happy’. You, like almost everyone else in the world, have been convinced that there is a list of items that will bring you happiness and the more of those items you have, the happier you will be. The car, the money, the house, the husband, the children and grandchildren…these should all make you happy. However, you’re clearly not happy, which proves that this generic list that we’ve all been told to buy into doesn’t equal happiness for everyone. Your feelings tell you if you’re happy or not, not your material possessions, salary or relationships. If you want to be happy, you have to do what makes you feel happy.” She understood what I was saying and even agreed with me but she couldn’t let the old idea that “If you just acquire these things (fill in the list), you’ll be a happy person.”

I decided to go a little further with this, hoping to make it sink in more. “How can people generalize everyone and say that the same things will make everyone happy in all instances?” I asked. “Well, because we all have the same needs, so it should apply to all of us” she said. “There are different ways of meeting these similar needs. For instance, not everyone will be happy having children. There are some in the world who just have no desire to be a parent, though there seems to be a general idea that everyone loves and wants kids. Not everybody wants a big, fancy house or a flashy car or to make a million dollars a year. Not everyone would be effective as the CEO of a company or a small business owner. Conversely, not everyone would be effective as an employee. We’re all different and we all have our own, unique ways of meeting our needs. If we ignore our differences and assume that everyone must take the same road and do exactly the same things, we end up as very unhappy people. You’ve done all the things you’ve been told to do since you were young. You’ve followed the rules and the advice that are supposed to bring about a relatively happy life and, yet, you sit here in misery. Remember, happiness is an emotion; it’s a feeling. It’s not something you can create through rationalization and making lists of things that should logically make you feel good. You create a feeling by feeling it, not by analyzing it.”

She looked at me and I could tell she heard the truth in my statement. “You’re right. I’ve done all the things people told me I was supposed to do and I can’t stand my life. So what do I do now?” “You decide to start doing what makes you happy. Find something that really makes you feel good and do it as often as you can.” “Well, I do love working with the kids at church” she said. “Then do that! Volunteer to work with them as often as you can. While you’re doing that, also look for other things that make you feel the same way and do those things as much as possible. The more you do these things, the happier you will become.” I could see a light of recognition and acknowledgement in her face. She actually looked excited about this idea. “I’m going to do that. I’m going to volunteer to work with those kids as much as I can. I just love how it feels to help them out and be there for them.” I said, “Then that’s the thing that tells you that you should be doing it.”

We’re all different and happiness for you might be something that makes me miserable. We can’t expect to live fulfilling, joyful lives by following a protocol and assuming that attaining certain generalized goals will bring us what we need, emotionally. Until you recognize your uniqueness and accept it you’ll never even know that makes you happy. Once you’ve figured that out, though, follow your feelings.

Blessings,

J.H.