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Things happen to Me

Things happen to me. I went to my local late night Asian shop to get milk and fags at 2am. This is normal for me and I love it when it’s quiet.

Anyway when I arrived there were two police officers, one a woman and one a man. The shop was empty except two members of staff who were chatting to the two officers. I heard the woman police officer say to the counter assistant “Did you see the man who had the dog that bit my colleague?” The Asian man then walked with her up the back of the shop to get some privacy.

I thought to myself “Shit I missed a dog biting a policeman my timing really sucks”

Then I picked up some chocolate and headed for the counter where Mohamed 2 was standing, he walked away from the officer and started bagging my goods.

“Hey Mohamed Two, how are you? I have been in Canada did you miss me?” I said.

“Yes Janey, did you do some shows?” he asked with a smile. The policeman at the counter was getting agitated.

“Excuse me, but we are trying to conduct an investigation here could you please get on with your purchases” he snapped and then added “And that’s racist calling him Mohamed Two”

“Listen up Mr Policeman, I want to have my full late night shopping retail experience, we always chat and if you need to make a full investigation then shut the shop, and by the way he is Mohamed Two, the other guy is Mohamed one and his dad is Mohamed three, I am Janey One and my daughter is Janey two and my husband is Janey three, so suck that”

Mohamed laughed “She is right I am number two, we call my cousin Mohamed Plus One”

“I need to question him and you chatting will distract him” the copper insisted.

“Why is he a goldfish? Does he have retentive memory problems?” I asked.

“Look I could give you a warning about obstructing a police investigation” he snapped.

“Well now that you have warned me that you are about to warn me, it’s kind of lost its threat don’t you think?” I laughed.

The policeman glared at me, Mohamed packed my bag and took my cash, I turned to the policeman and said “I wish I had seen the dog biting your colleague”

The policeman said “Why so you could laugh?”

“No, so I could give you a really descriptive account of what happened, I am a stand up comic and I am great at watching things and describing them, like I will about this incident between us tonight, you should read my blog, its on my website, you are officially today’s blog, so thanks for that” then I left the shop giggling and Mohamed Two shouted goodbye.