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Things are making me crazy lately; I always get freaked out this time of year as I prepare to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. The organisation alone makes me feel like I have to be one of those mystical Hindu Gods with seventeen arms and possibly two heads. Luckily I do have help, but I still worry sick about the tiny details.
To make matters worse my daughter Ashley told me that whenever she does anything wrong she worries incessantly that I will be so disappointed with her and she tries not to tell me stuff and instead tells her dad. That makes me feel bad so we talked about it.
Am I that judgmental? Am I that scary?
So we discussed, when we were in Glastonbury Ashley unfolded a small pop up tent we bought as an addition to the big tent as we decided that because we never had a car to store luggage- a pop up tent was the answer to our problems…anyway Ashley popped up the tent and then promptly snapped it broke within two seconds of it opening.
I apparently sighed loudly…so loudly…she felt terrible about her mistake and used this incident as an example of my overwhelming disappointment at her.
I was astounded at her saying this, I did sigh loudly, I was fucked off she broke the thing within three seconds of opening it…but then I immediately assured her that it was all ok. The most important thing was to get it up and get the luggage inside as we were being flooded.
But that didn’t count…I sighed…and she felt crushed.
I have no idea how to fix this issue, I have told her that no matter what she does – she must tell me, I will be disappointed BUT I will lie, cheat and even kill to protect her and would do so willingly.
Being a mother is hard.
Husband is exempt from this psychological torture, he apparently doesn’t care what she does and reassures her that all is well and she can tell him anything. Does that make me Hitler?
My reckoning is this…husband has disappointed me so much in life and is used to making mistakes so Ashley and he have an empathy that I don’t.
I am wrong aren’t I?
I make loads of mistakes and I talk about them and discuss where and why I went wrong. I am sure I disappoint loads of people but I cant do everything right every time and I explained this to Ashley. I am not always disappointed in her, I am allowed to be either annoyed or shocked at something she did, but I will always stand by her.
I think somewhere along the line I have damaged her and I feel bad.
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Posted by janeygodley on 2007-07-03 03:45:38 | Rating: | Views: 144
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i think we should always focus on the positive in life and not the negatives. we all make mistakes. this is human nature. what seperates us is how we look at them. just focus on the positive things. if she broke it... well... at least she did not get hurt....
if she broke it and got hurt... at least she did not break her arm.
in other words, it could alwasy be worse. focus on the positive, like you still get to spend time togter. encourage her with support and love. this is what i am going to do as a new father myself. i think this is important in life in gerenal
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Posted by jason
on 2007-07-04 10:03:20
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p.s. you are NOT a bad mother... you are a human and you love your daughter
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Posted by jason
on 2007-07-04 10:03:54
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