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This is my first blog on here. I am going to start off with a little thing I consider a horrible memory. Bad just doesn't do enough to describe it. It is something that has been bothering me for close to 17 years. It haunts me at night in my dreams. It interrupts my sleep, to the point that I am scared to go back to sleep, because I know I will endure this horrible event all over again. Let me get to it. Maybe by putting it on here, and getting it out of my head, that it might actually ease the recurring nightmare that haunts me night after night. Maybe I would be able to get a good nights sleep by pouring it out. So, here it goes. If you are reading this, you are the only ones that have heard this before. Please don't ridicule me for what I am about to write. This is something that I have suffered with, and relieved numerous times in my dreams. Wow, this is so hard.
Let me give you a little background. When I was 15, I was experimenting with my sexuality. I was very attracted to my best friend. I did not know if the feelings were reciprocated, so I just kept my feelings to myself. One night, she was sleeping over at my house. We talked about all sorts of things that typical teenage girls talk about, then the subject turned to "lesbians." I don't know how it came up, but it did. I did not say anything bad about lesbians, nor did I mention that I had "lesbian" feelings towards her. She was the one that said it first. It seems, she had become physically and sexually attracted to me as well. We did nothing that night. I was so nervous. I was worried that she would go to school, and tell everyone that I was attracted to her, and that it was gross. I was worried that she would find a way to turn it around on me. What if it weirded her out with me having feelings towards her, that she had towards me? What if she was just saying those things to see what I would say?
Well, a few weeks went by. We would hold hands, when no one was around...we would cuddle while watching a movie in the bedroom. We even kissed a few times. She was staying the night at my house one friday night, when things went a little farther. We were experimenting with one another, when low and behold, my mom comes in, and turns on the light. She was not happy, to say the least. She told me to come see her, and sent my best friend home. She told me how disappointed in me she was. She told me that she would not tolerate that kind of behavior in her house, and for me to get my things and get out.
Being 15, I had no where to go. I had no idea what to do. I lived in a small town, so I thought it would be best to get away from there. The less likely I would run into my family, that I had disappointed so much. I hitchhiked to Dallas, TX. I had been there a few times, and thought that it would be my best bet. I should be able to find a job, and be able to support myself. That was my thought anyway. So, I headed to the "gay neighborhood" thinking that I would fit in better there.
I walked the streets during the day. There was a local restaurant that I would go and sit in. The owner kept an eye on me, and would bring me food to eat. He knew that I was homeless, but i refused to intrude on him and his lover. I would nap in a booth in the corner, because I was so scared at night. I would hide in an alley, and pray for daylight to come. I did this for over two weeks.
One evening, when I was headed to my "alley" home, a car full of guys drove by and began screaming at me. They were calling me a "f*cking dyke" and tellling me that God was going to kill me for my sins. They said that God had sent them to take care of his business. I took off running, trying to find some place to hide. They pulled in behind me, and sped up like they were going to run over me. Two guys jumped out, and began chasing me on foot. The others drove away. I guess they hid the car, because shortly there after, three more guys showed up. They took turns hitting me, and spitting on me. They called me a homeless piece of trash, a bull dyke, a freak of nature. They kept telling me that they were going to show me what a real man was like, what it was like to be with real men. They threw me down, and began ripping my clothes off. They hurt me so bad. I had never been with a man, and they made sure they were extremely rough. This went on for what seemed like hours. Everytime I would try to yell, they would hit me upside the head, and shove themselves into my mouth. I tried fighting back, I even bit one of their penis really hard. All that got me, was hit upside the head with a beer bottle. That knocked me out. I regained consciousness a short time later. They were finishing up, or else tired of what they were doing. I had blood coming from my head, and from my vagina and anus. They kicked me and hit me some more, and then took off running. I could not move. I prayed to God, to just take me out of my pain. I laid there for the rest of the night, because i hurt too bad to move. I didn't want to go to the hospital, because they would just call the police and my parents. I stayed in the alley, and in a park nearby. I snuck into a gas station, and washed up in the bathroom. I didn't go to the restaurant for a couple of days, because I didn't want my friend to see me like this. When I finally went back, because I was starving to death, my friend started crying, and asked me why I hadn't come back in, or called him. He said that he would have helped me. I told him, that I felt that I deserved what I got. My parents had disowned me because of what I was, so I thought this was God's way of showing me that my parents were right. I talked to him for several hours, and learned that over the past couple of months, similar attacks had been happening in the area. It wasn't just on lesbians, but also on gay males in the area. I told him that I needed to go for a walk, to clear my head. It was still daylight, so he let me go.
As I got about a block from the restaurant, a gentleman walked up to me. I was so scared. He told me, "You need to call your parents. I know they must be worried sick about you." I did not know this man. I still do not know this man. I told him that I had no money to call, and so he handed me a handful of change, and walked away. I called my mom, and told her that I was so sorry for what I had put her through. She couldn't stop crying. She asked me where I was. I told her that it didn't matter, that I was away from my family, so I could not humiliate them any longer. She told me she wanted me home, that she was on her way to get me. She told me that she didn't care if I was a lesbian or not, that I was her daughter. A few hours later, she drove up, and took me home. I have never told her what happened to me on those streets that horrible night.
I have never told anyone, until now. Whether anyone reads this or not, I just needed to get it out. I need to see if by getting it out of my head and heart, that it will help bring me inner peace. I know that others have been in my situation, if not worse situations. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for closure, I just don't know how to get it. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
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Posted by jamiewilliams on 2008-04-13 22:04:55 | Rating: | Views: 55
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You need to talk to your mom and let her know what happened; otherwise this terrible event will constantly haunt you. I know because my past constantly haunts me and I will be taking these haunts to my grave. So talk to your mom and your minister if you have one and then you will be at peace.
DJ
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Posted by mizrabl1
on 2008-04-13 22:20:52
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You poor baby.
I'm so sorry this happened.
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Posted by 50gumbyss
on 2008-04-13 22:25:24
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I mean the attack - sorry, I wasn't clear in my first response.
I hate to see anyone hurting.
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Posted by 50gumbyss
on 2008-04-13 22:26:26
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I'm so sorry you went through this. It is really socking and I think you really need to see someone about this, tell your mom, see a therapist. You are still young and you need help before this scars you permanemntly, its not too late. see someone who can help you. None of this was your fault, you were just a child.
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Posted by ffeeona
on 2008-04-14 03:48:37
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. You have made a positive first step by putting this horrible event to words and bringing it out into the light. Keeping things hidden gives them power .... light dispels darkness. Just as in our childhood days the scary monster in the closet lost all his power when the light was turned on. While you will never be the same person you were before the attack it is possible to heal and find peace. I would suggest starting with a school counselor, minister or some adult that you trust. I wouldn't spill all the details, all that needs to be said is you were raped and feel the need to talk to a professional about it. There are many organizations that specialize in rape counseling. These people have extensive training in dealing with these types of situations and will know how to help you. The God I know is loving and kind. He would never use violence to make His point. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and wholeness. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-04-25 15:45:57
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