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| Doctor visit |
Well I went to see my lung doc and to say the least he isn't happy with me. I am breathing with 30% of my lungs. Hmm maybe that explains why I have so much trouble breathing ya think? It's my own fault and I own it. I did this to myself. Smoking is a nasty habit, addiction they say it's harder to stop smoking then it is to kick crack. I quit once for over a year then I got put back into the hospital and when I got out the first thing I did is buy a pack. That was back in May. Now I am smoking about 1/2 pack a day if not more and it shows I can hardly keep up with the kids or do anything that I enjoyed when I wasn't smoking. Hindsight is always 20/20 so I see what I have done to myself and I am kicking myself pretty hard right now.
So he order some test it's a lung function test I've had one about 5 yrs ago. It wasn't fun at all. They really put you in a box. I wonder how I am going to handle this one. I panicked during the last one. Get this the last time he ordered an allergy test and I am allergic to dogs! Me of all people now that doesn't mean in any shape or form that I am getting rid of my dog. They can give me a pill to swallow but it hardly rated on the scale and at the time I had not 1 but 2 large dogs and Gayla is a tiny pup compared to my monsters I had before. ( they both passed away)
So today I have an appt with the shrink doc and I need refills on some meds. I have to make an appt for laser treatment to stop smoking again that is how I did it before and it worked so that is where I am going this time again.
Other then all that I think I am doing well. I feel like crap though I am in a solid state of mind. O did I mention I have not only emphysema but copd as well? Yeah I guess they sort of go hand and hand. It's like a slow choking death that I'm not going to accept. I am going to fight this like I have fought all the rest of my demons. I've won before I can win again. For right now I have had my first full nights sleep in weeks and feel like I could lay down and sleep another 5 hours or so. I wish. LOL I know if I fall asleep the phone will ring and of to the races I go. Stuff needing to be done and me not wanting to do anything. I think after my appt with the lung doc Dearest remembered what they said 5 yrs ago about me not being able to do certain things like cleaning. (that's a bonus) LOL It doesn't matter how good the vacuum is it still kicks up dirt in your face and when your barely breathing it just isn't a good idea. I can do dishes which I HATE though the rest I just can't do. Hopefully once I stop smoking I will be able to function at a higher rate then I am now. SO lets look at whats on my plate. I have PTSD NOW I also have lung problems I have ignored for the last 5 yrs. Yeah.....smart thing to do huh. So back to the lung doc he is weaning me off the steroids he says my weight gain all of 10 pounds in 5 yrs is related to them he stated to me they really don't work in cases like mine. SO off them I go and he didn't offer any other options. Just stop smoking. So I really am not up for this dying young deal I have no option I have to stop smoking. I noticed this morning when I had one the taste wasn't as good as it was before. Like somehow they had changed over night to ubber nasty. If I can just keep that in mind I will kick this like I did before. It really sucks when you quit for 14months and start again. I really felt good I walked and felt good about myself. Healthier in some ways. (not mental) Man I feel like a barely walking death trap. I've noticed some songs really trigger me. It's not that I have been thinking about killing myself it's songs that talk about it that make me go hm mm good idea. I know I can't do that to my kids or to Dearest though the thought is always creeping up in the back of my mind. I just keep pushing it back down and try and stay in the here and now. Which after yesterday doesn't look to promising. I'll make it. I know I will. If I can fight the demons I have fought and made it this far I'm not about to let this take control of me not after how far I've come. I'm to stubborn for that. So to rap this up still crazy, 30% lung function , stopping smoking, getting healthier. LOL Another mountain I have to climb.
Well tomorrow at 1pm I am having the treatment to stop smoking once and for all. WIsh me luck!
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Posted by jadeann on 2009-09-30 10:09:33 | Rating: | Views: 20
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