I know i suffer from some sort of eating disorder in addition to many other things, but I cannot figure out the exact pattern to it all. First of all I was about 100 pounds all of highschool, without trying, but regardless of the fact that I thought i was fat the whole time, I never did much about it. People commented that I was very thin and it was enough for me. When i got to college and got off antidepressants two years ago, I got FAT. Like REALLY FAT for my height. The spring after I got FAT, I had thoughts of starving myself for a long time and finally some initiative snapped into me and I nearly stopped eating completely, dropped more than 20 lbs. in the vicinity of 2 months and everyone talked about it to the point that it stressed me out...but I LOVED being thin. I gained back some of the weight, never as heavy as I once was, but still I gained a lot back. And It's been depressing me for like a year now. I tried to be healthy and work out and eat regularly but I just love to HATE food. Now I'm back at the same point where I'm starting to drop off a lot of weight and this time I just refuse to ever gain it back. I've only lost 5 or 10 pounds max at this point, but it's dropped off very fast. The worst trigger for it all is not people thinking im fat...it's people commenting about how i look skinny or how they're jealous i look in shape...or the attention that guys pour on me overtime now that i've lost some weight. It's about wanted to be wanted, it's about control, its about stress that i can't make go away, it's every problem in my life manifesting itself by restricting what I eat. I hate feeling like I'm constantly avoiding foods and calculating calories in my head. I feel like im a prisoner but being THIN...it's too worth it to give it up. It's hard, because where I work or volunteer, all the people eat like SHIT. And we all get dinner together on my night (Sunday) and it's hard to choose wisely and a) not look like im restricting myself and b) not want to eat what everyone else is eating. The whole thing is terrible. And it's harder this time to lose the weight...why??? I need help. If i don't lose this weight I'll freak the hell out. And my sister's wedding is in July and I'll be damned if im going to be FAT FAT FAT for her wedding. She'll be beautiful and thin like always, and i'll just look grotesque. And it's worse because I don't just want to be extremely and painfully thin, I want to lose the fat love handles that don't go away that easy from dieting. So i need to go and work out hard at the gym. But that's difficult because not eating makes me fatigued...but I'll just have to ignore it. I wish being THIN wasn't my biggest goal in life...my biggest enemy and my best friend...it's awful. It's taking over like a parasite. Yet...I want it to. I want to just melt away the weight and have nobody notice that it's happening right in front of them. Just so I can be happy. So I can feel worthy and not stand in front of the mirror wanting to vomit from how grotesque I appear. Maybe im delusionary...so what? To me the mirror doesn't lie. Even if it's all in my head. I want to hate food for ever and ever. I hate myself so much for being fat. I don't even know how to handle this all. Losing weight is taking so much painful time. And so I just keep waiting and waiting...