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Hi Everyone:
This is my first time blogging but I figured I couldn't be the only grieving sibling out there. Okay, here goes, my beautiful sister Donna passed away on Saturday, December 15, 2007 at the tender age of 39. I have tried many of the convention methods of grief "sharing" i.e, counseling, friends, significant others, etc., and, as I am sure you will attest, there comes a time when they either don't want to hear it or they are incredibly uncomfortable hearing how you feel. There have been times when I have wanted to shout from the rafters that I am hurting and want and need my sister more than words can express but who do I confide in??? I have no one. I am/was one of two siblings and my baby sister died suddenly...and unexpectly on 12/15. My grief is palatable and I don't know how to express that to others. There are times when I feel that my own Mother can't deal with the grief that I have. She is, obviously, going through her own immeasurable grief. I feel like I am swimming upstream without a safety net and I know that I can't be alone in my feelings so if there is anyone out there who can relate I would welcome an opportunity to share with you. My friends tell me that they can't "understand" because they have never been where I am and I tell them that they are fortunate because I would never ever want them to feel the pain and anguish that permeates my every day life. I am just 41 years old and my Sis and I promised each other that we would grow old together and sit on rocking chairs and laugh at the youngsters doing things that we never dared do....who knew that....fast forward a few years I would be standing by her graveside wondering how I got there and how could it possibly be that we would no longer share silly phone calls, goofy conversations, crazy dances, etc., etc., etc. Donna Lynn "Butler" Smith was not "only" my sister but she is and was my best friend. I would greatly appreciate hearing from anyone on your experiences or your advice on how to move forward. Donna was blessed with an incredible career and an unbelievable family and we miss her more than words could ever express. The impact she had not just on my life but....as attested to at her service, on the lives of so many people are priceless and that is what keeps me putting one foot ahead of the other every day.
If you are reading this post...first and foremost...my condolences and utmost sympathy on your loss. Secondly, I hope we can help each other through this crisis and help make us better people because of the incredibly people we have lost.
Much Love,
Jacqueline Butler
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Posted by jacbutler on 2008-07-04 21:36:26 | Rating: | Views: 41
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hi jaqueline..
i'm very sorry for all of this that has happened to you...and, no, i have no similar experience...
have you tried grief counseling at all? because, as hard as it is, you are going to have to accept at some point that your much loved sister is gone, but that you are still alive.
i sincerely hope that in time you will be able to accept that the unfortunate and untimely end to your sister's life does not spell the end to your own happiness, no matter how much you will miss her in the future.
please seek help if you need it but do everything you can to look forward to your own future and cherish the memory of the sister that you loved so much.
i wish you the best of luck
cheers.
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-07-05 00:39:20
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Hi Jacqueline,
Ironically, I was on a sibling grief website and thought I'd check to see if there are any other websites out there. I ran across your blog and decided to sign up just so that I can touch base with you. Unfortunately, I know all too well some of the pain that you are going through. Last year, my younger brother, my only sibling, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident at the age of 31. We were 2 1/2 years apart. To say that it was a shock is an understatement. Obviously, I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. Going to the adultsibinggrief.com website has helped me to sort through some of the overwhelming feelings that come with this kind of loss.
It is such a unique loss. You feel that you have not only lost your past but also your present and your future. Your sibling is the only person that knows the unique circumstances of your family, the ups and downs, the good times, the bad, etc. It is such a lonely and sad road. You never get over the death of your sibling because your entire world has been changed.
After a year of "firsts" without him, I see that we are reaching a new kind of "normal." A world where a family of 4 is now 3. Where my sister-in-law will not have the children and life she thought she would have. Where my daughters aren't going to know the fun-loving uncle they had such a short time to be with. It is all so unbelievably sad. The regrets, the "what ifs," the "we'll never get to...." etc. etc. You can drive yourself crazy going over it. I have found solace in discussing some of my feelings with others who understand. In addition to talking to people in real life, the adult sibling website has been a comfort to me. At first, all I could do was read what others were going through and cry and cry. As time went on, I began to log my own thoughts and memories of my brother. I also created a memorial website where we posted all of our family photos, his wedding pictures, pics with friends. I cried buckets as I set up this website, but in a way it was cathartic as well. I was able to really release some of that pain and anguish that I felt I needed to keep in while being strong for my parents and for his wife. Their grief is so real and immediate, but mine is very real as well. It's hard to explain. I guess, for me, my immediate family life is still the same...I have my husband, my kids, my job, etc. And yet, that special person that was my link to my childhood, that formed the fourth person in my immediate family is missing and I will never be the same. It's not like I can sprout another brother. I try to remember the good times, the special memories we shared, the memories we created as adults. To dwell on the things that will never be is simply too depressing. Talking about him to my family, especially my mom, has also been therapeutic. I also keep in close touch with my sister-in-law. I feel like we are all in this tunnel of sadness and we are just starting to emerge from complete mind-numbing grief to a place where we can happily share memories and not cry at the drop of a hat. Trust me, it was a long and hard year to go through. It is just one of those things that you have to mentally prep yourself for and try to express your feelings as much as possible.
It sounds like you had a very special and loving relationship with your sister. I am so truly sorry for your loss. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I understand that grief and that I hope that in time the sharpness of the pain recedes a little and the good memories offer comfort. It is hard to imagine that such a day will come, but believe me, time really does blunt some of the pain. Heal it? No. But the sharp edges of the grief become a little more dull and a "new normal" begins to emerge. Of course, there are those moments that you will be completely overcome with grief. I am a firm believer that you need to let it out...pray, talk to your sibling, talk to friends, jump on a sibling grief website, go to a counselor....do whatever you need to do to let these feelings out. They cannot fester. They are real and need to be expressed. Only then can some real healing begin. For me, I think I cried every day for the first 6 months straight. Anything would set me off. Then, it slowly receded and I could actually go a day without crying. I think about him every single day and, naturally, there are days when the tears just continue to come. I pray for him and have probably read all the latest books on after-death experiences, heaven, spirituality, etc. Those are not books that I read previously, but they have offered me comfort....to think that his spirit is still around me and my family, that he can sometimes give us signs (which we have received over the year!!) and that he is at peace. It is our lives here on earth that are now difficult.....a difficulty we must try to work through....in memory of our loved sibling.
Sorry this has turned into such a long blog. I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you. May your memories of your lovely sister bring you comfort.
In grief,
Libby
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Posted by sestra
on 2008-07-19 22:13:30
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