| View Blog
|
|
|
|
I went back to therpay yesterday and got some things off my chest, but I also woke up at 5 am this morning with an attitude because me and my boyfriend kinda have to "schedule" sex. It doesnt just happen like it used to. So last night was supposed to be out "wo hoo" night and the mother fucker rolls over without even a cuddle and falls asleep. And I'm laying there in booty shorts and a tank top thinking " well you just put me off ass hole" When he wants it he gets it, when I want it eh,,, sometimes. I go through all the rouble of shaving my cha cha and doing all the good smelly things getting ready and shit, and he just craps out like that. So this morning I was like what the hell is wrong with you. He said he was tired and his back hurt. But there was no communication of this to me. I also braught to his attention that we dont really talk, and he said well there is anything really to say ... he is looking for "peace and quite" because he is happy. well I am not okay with a mediocre relationship.
I want some spark, some flame and fire, buring. something more than this staleness that doesnt seem to end. We have very little time together and as much as I am liking doing things by myself, I think he is trying to push me away to get me to do things independantly, but what he fails to realize is pushing me away will only end what I am working so hard to keep. He told me this morning that " maybe I should push away so you feel the need to so more" That will only make me want you to leave, for I will feel like you dont want to care any more. I have enough insecurities like most women do, I do not need my partner in this life trying to get me out of the way. Because that is how I am feeling. But maybe that is my problem and not his. We have problems like every couple, but ME being the COMPLICATED, ex adddict, who has always had SHITTY RELATIONSHIPS, would like to have something somewhat normall, but I am preventing it for myself. Because I am still afraid to trust. Still afraid to love. Still hurt from my past, and the self inflictions i have braught upon myself.
I have some new book I am going to try out. And am going to keep working on me. for me, and see what happens.
I am ready for the butterfly out of the cacoon. I am just not sure I am ready to do the work to get her to emerge.
I read somewhere once, dragonflies only live for one day.
I am a dragonfly, reborn every moning, Trying to find new air for new wings, and flying for the sky.
|
|
Posted by ivyquinnkid on 2007-11-29 09:49:21 | Rating: | Views: 80
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
