I am sure everyone had them. I am sure there are some people like me who have a hard time dealing with them. You have this fear that the Karma you put out is just waiting for you, around the next corner ready to pounce on all the things you hold dear. I have done so many bad things In my life that I am just waiting on my very beloved boyfriend to cheat, or find some one else. I am wiaitng for my mom to kick me out, or ask me to leave because I am not doing what she wants me to do. I am just waiting for my job to let me go because of this or that or whatever the case may be. I am just waiting for something to pop up in my face and let me know that the world still hurts, because that is what I have always known.
I do not know what to do. I am trying my best to realize that not all men are the same reguardless of my experience, I am trying to realize that Love is love, untill it is gone, so cherish it for today and if it is gone tomarrow it was not meant to be yours. I am trying not to check his phone, or his story, or have these doubts that are so huge for me to give up. but I do not know why, its so hard. I do not understand why its so easy to hold onto all these things that are threatenging to ruin this relationship. I almost doubt my love for him, due to my trust issues . Why am i so full of all these negative things.

So I went to this exhibit here and it was about the human body and the brain and all this cool stuff. and I saw this poster that talked about how the parts of the brain work, and that when you are young, if you do not feel certain things, or use certain parts of the brain that feel certain emotions as you get older it is harder for you to feel those things with every year that goes by.
It amazes me all the things I guess I did not feel as a child. Maybe that is why I am such a CONTROL FREAK... everything has to be under my thumb. Things ahve to get done when i want, and the way I want.
I freak out cuz my boyfriend is messy. Not like overly messy (for a normal person its not messy- to me it is) but just ya know boy messy. he leaves his clothes in a pile. change laying around (when there is a bowl that is specifically for left over change), he leaves things laying on the dresser and the bottom of the closet. AND TO ME, this is too much.
It irritates me. EVEN though I KNOW... I CAN NOT CONTROL other people places or things. I CAN ONLY CONTROL ME. i thought by leading a good example I would show him how to live... with me. not like me but with me. But the truth is, that he is who he is and I can not change him.
I dont want to change him.
I dont know what I want. Sometimes I think ending it would be better, easier, but I have never done things the easy way so why start now. Its not that the relationship doesnt work, or even that we fight all the time, or anything like that.
We agree that we disagree, that we are different and that things are really hard because it is the first time we are sober in our lives, and we are trying to do it together. Days are really hard sometimes, and he tells me it will be ok. He is good support. Most the time. He doesnt always listen (but what man does) he doesnt always take off his shoes before comming in the house, and he doesnt always make the best even though it help me out.
But we both like football, and my animals. our fish, and cuddling at night. We like to love on each other and be good friends to the people we care for. We like being out doors, camping, and the beach. We like alot of the same music, going to meetings, driving around, bubble baths (together preferably), sound systems, good smelly stuff, we both like to cook (though i do most of it, because his sometimes needs a little HELP), we like alot of the same foods (but he is more experiemental than me), we like just walking around the mall, or walking the dog. I try and keep up playing basketball with him or riding the bikes, but its not always my thing. But I DO TRY.
We nitpick at each other, and sometimes arent attentive to each others needs, but the truth of the matter is. we are both works in progress and it will take time. To get where we both want to be.
But i Think we will be ok. I just needed to vent and put some things out there so I am not bottling.
Thanks for listening.