Thoughts.com Blogs - My Nutshell closed... (pt 3)

So i left off with all the things that I so often had left behind and given up on. School and relationships. Jobs too.
I had my first job when I was almost 16. At a toy store for kids. I loved the customers and most of my co-workers but all the managers were just ass holes and problems and couldnt manage to keep shit going right in the store at least according to me. I was top notch shit and knew everything and the way it should be, the way It needed to be... I was on top of everything except my own life as I look at it now.
So I quit and moved onto to my second job.Well I knda got fired, Kinda quite. They accused me of stealing, which was the truth... and so when they put me on a suspension I quit and told them where to stick it. So i moved onto a job at a tux store. That was fun for a while, but the turmoil of the fellow employees caused me to feel over worked underpaid and neglected of self. I was a store clerk, that had key, register codes and opening and closing duties with the pay of a field worker. No benefits, No bonuses. The occasional commision but nothing worth showing off. I smoked weed on an almost daily basis, drank when I could, and was more miserable on the weekends than I was at work. I experimented with more and more harder drugs, but left the most evil and detramental of the drugs alone
I went through quite a few jobs after that. Nothing seemed to fit. well I didnt seem to fit anywhere. I loved money, but I prefered to steal it than work for it. I prefered to get it easy as apposed to feeling accomplished.
There are some events in between all these jobs, high school and college I have left out for the better reasons of keeping my sanity. Its not secrets or shame its just things that I keep to myself for they are nothing I will ever choose to go through again.
I guess all that takes me to around last spring. I had finally held a job just over a year. Working for a family as a nanny. I loved their kids, the schedule... just everything about them seemed to fit. I had this "great" guy who I had been introduced to by friends who made me feel like a queen. But it was all in my imagination. I started working a second job because I needed more money to support the man that was so "wonderful" It lasted a little over 5 months. And on the day he left he elbowed me in the face after I had found out he had been sleeping with his ex-girlfriend the whole time. I cried for days, months even. Because my prince was nothing but a fucking toad on a log, that I wanted to roll over and over in the water, hoping he would drown but knowing damb well toads can live under water.
This sent me into a spiral of weed and booze like nothing I had ever seen before. I quit the one job I liked. Well I didnt even really quit I just told thme I was in bad shape and needed some time off, and never called again. To this day I still feel guilty because of how good they were to me. I kept the one job that would lead me into deeper depression and a spiral into the worst hell I'd ever experienced. I was over worked (12 hour days) with no over time, no compensation taking care of a spoiled little girl, who was the cutest thing I had ever seen, but had a pre madona for a mother and a father who just creeped me out. (as you can see my tolenrence for bosses, authority figures and people who had more than me was just not what it should have been) So i felt like I "deserved" more than what I was getting. So I took in one day over $5,000 dollars worth of jewelry from their house. I had some friends pawn it off (we only got about 100 bucks) which was not nearly enough. But I didnt take any more because I felt like I had already cleaned them out enough to where they wouldnt find out.
The people I had been hanging out with, did HARD drugs. and for the first time in my life I really hated myself and thought it couldnt get any worse. Well I thought wrong. The first time I did meth. I was sitting on a couch with a bunch of people who did this shit on a regular basis and I thought I'd give it a whirle. well a hit or two got me wanting to get a sack fronted. And granted it was only $20 worth of dop but it was enough for a night and the next day I wanted to smoke some weed and pass out after being up all night feeling like I had ran a marathon and a half. I remember sleeping it all off paying my debt and snagging another bag. This went on for about two weeks, but it felt like months because of how fast the days flew by. By the time two weeks was up I was buying an 8 ball off a street corner from some girl a friend of a friend knew. And this time the SHIT WAS SHIT! It was bad. It tasted bad, smelled bad, didnt burn right and after one niht of TRYING TO SMOKE IT AND NOT GETTING HIGH, I gave up. Cold turkey. Realized anything that was this expensive and din't work right wasn't worth it. And I put it down.
I havent touched it since.
But my crime caught up with me. This April I was charged with a felony count of grant theft. Asked to pay $10,000, plus court fee's and a bunch of other stuff. I give up half a paycheck twice a month just to keep outta jail and the county off my ass.
I work a 50+ hour work week, with my weekends spent doing community service so I dont have to see a cell block again, and the frustration is catchin up with me like a mother fucker. Currently I am with a man I love, have 4 kids (that i didnt give birth too but make my day everyday). I go to meetings (AA & NA) to keep as much of those demons pushed aside. I try and walk my dog to get rid of my excess "baby phat". I try and find something for me. Once in a while But i am learning once in a while doesnt cut it and once a week is a better plan.
I will write more later I gotta get back to work
But to be honest thats my life in a nutshell.
Nothing much to look back on
but something that has always held me back
I am hoping wirtting it here
and letting it go a little more every day
will help me move on to the places I want and need to be
as apposed to the way I feel today
As of right this minute I am CHOSING to feel different
so the day is better and my life is what I need it to be
FOR TODAY!