So I left off with my fathers death. Which lead me to call a teacher from the school that had ejected me, who I felt a strong connection with. he asked me to come and visit the place that I had felt such a strong sence of abandonment. But I did it anyway. I still couldn't really face anyone or look them in the eye. My shame to big to let me be forgiven. Which everyone who knew why I had gotten kicked out had already done. But I was too blind to realize that people really cared what happened to me. More than I did care for myself.
I saw a girl who hadn't liked me very much while I was there. And we became friends after my tragic event. We started hanging out, staying the night together, running around all night long doing nothing but smoking drinking and alot of weed smoking. Exctacy a few times and a chewy (coke in a blunt) once in a while. But no real parties just lots of little get together with a lot of wild like childs getting together to make it all go away. It was fun to find people who hurt like me, wanted to be different than they were like I did, and it was fun to find people who I thought understood. But that life wasn't real, or perfect like I had thought at the time.
That Lasted a little over a year. We all fell apart out of touch... after one drunken night where some guy i thought I "liked" got violently ill and pretty violent (to a couple of potten plans and a wall) after drinking too much and it took me to a place I never wanted to see again.  Soon after that I returned to public school and a life of what my mom wanted to be considered normal. For me it wasn't. It was cookie cutter cheer leaders and football players, nerds and ass holes, blondes and barbie loook alikes. I was no where to be found, except a ghost floating in the mist just trying to get by. Avoid relationships and people who would pretend to care. All those high school insecurities came out of me in immence amounts. Like a water fall pouring out doubt. I managed to skim by and graduate and find places to hide, who i was, what i wanted and how I felt. All the time never figuring out anything about myself or anything that would possibly help me through all the things I had managed to experience in the little bit of life I had so far.
By the time I graduated I had met a hand full of people who I loved to hate and hated loving, I was buried in debt, drug addiction and a drinking problem that hurt so much I couldn't stop. The people who i thought were friends used me and allowed me to be used. I thought money and spending it on others was love. And not because I had always had material things, it was just the way I thought things to be. Money was nothing when you were blowing it in a bottle, blunt, or up your nose.
I didnt know how to let go, or find a better place. I didnt know how to give up because I had faught so hard to keep everything I had for so long. I never had learned letting go was healthy and felt good. And that pushing away bad things made your life just a little easier. and the more bad that you took away the more room for good their was.
I started things continuosly as I got older and always walked away. Always gave up or left it alone.
School, jobs, relationships, friendships all kinds of things.
School was more than likely the worst because it was something I was good at. something that came natural and easy but I always could prove to myself to be lazy and that I wasn't worth it. So I failed, droped out and slacked off which never the less never failed to fill with dissapointment, depression and the self esteem of an ant.
I had experienced numerous relationships that so often started the same way (sexual) and ended the same way (in pieces) My emotional turmoil kept me trapped in the world of self pity i had evolved into and would not let me out no matter how much love i found or wanted to give. I had to fix me, love me and figure out the problems were in me not in others. And even now that is hard and difficult, because it is so much easier to point out some one elses faults as opposed to looking deep in yourself for the reflection you should be seeing.

well thats all I can get through right now.
More tomarrow maybe.