Thoughts.com Blogs - I keep hurting Myself

So I keep going back to the horrid behavior not only of an addict but also a crazy person.
I keep re-doing the same behaviors that ended multiple relationships. and all because I am insecure. I must find some place that makes me happy. I am nto happy at home living with my mother. I am not exactly happy with my boyfriend having 4 kids and him not wanting any more. If i ever decided that I wanted one, he more than likley would be against the idea.
I feel like he lies to me, but maybe thats because I have told so many lies in my life, and heard so many in return.
I am completely exhausted. I cried all morning because I blew up, then he blew up and then it was ok because we understood that we had a misunderstanding.
I am tired of the drama, I am tired of feeling like I work harder, and more.
I am tired of thriving on the excitement that comes from conflict but in the end it only makes me feel down.
Conflict is natural when it is occuring naturally not when it is self inflicted for the rush of the fight. I am trying to be something I am not. And I do not know who I am. I am trying to be calm, and managable and boring.
But boring works for most people.
I must find some people in my life.
I am going to try meditation, some yoga, something for me.
More time at the gym
I have to stop maing excuses.
I think I need some time with a shrink as well. I just called my old shrink and I pray he takes me back. I Was as comfortable with him and I would be anywhere else.
I am also going to look into anger management.
I need to start doing some things about fixing me.
Thats the hardest thing left to do.
ME!