Thoughts.com Blogs - my life so far....

So here I find myself..... 21 alone with 2 baby boys to care for all on my own. God I feel like I'm reliving my own mothers life. I try not to wallow in self pity. Where does self~pity get anyone???
I'd hate to say their father was a mistake, because then I'd be saying my own children were mistakes. And the truth is having Jonathan at 17 saved me. So let me start back to being 16. My mother was abusing crack~cocaine and was living in a crack house, I was kicked out because her boyfriend was looking at me in a sexual manor. So I found myself alone on the streets, and there was Jon... We'd been dating a few months and he left his house to come with me so I wasn't alone. We went from place to place, I wasn't doing to good, drinking a lot, doing drugs here and there, not going to school. I just wasn't getting anywhere fast. I thought a baby could save me.
So I wasn't using protection or birth control me and Jon both talked about having a baby and decided it would be nice. The month after my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant. Rite away no more drinking or drugs or any of the other things I was doing, I felt myself consumed in the life growing inside me. Every decision I made was in his interest. But then I faced other problems... The babies father started pushing me around and running off with different girls some as young as 13 while I was left alone, scared and pregnant. What happend to the boy who rescued me from all my worries? He was gone.... the moment he felt he had me for good.... I had to stay with him, I had no family and no where to go.
So I put up with a lot more than I should have. My son Jonathan Mateo was born October 21st 2003

. I was so happy to have him, my life finally had a meaning. But the problems with his father continued. He had a short temper and any little thing would set him off. But I put up with it , by this time my mother entered a rehabilitation center and ultimitly stayed there for allmost 2 years.
Me and Jon and the baby got our own apartment (we were living with his mother since the baby was 2 weeks old). Everything seemed fine for a while until Jon told me he felt trapped and the girls started again and the hitting.
In June of 2006 I found myself pregnant a second time.All the problems at home magnified. He started cheating on me with girls rite in my face. On thanksgiving he left me and Jonny and went and had thanksgiving with the newest girl he was cheating on me with. Everything started to hit me. I wouldn't let him in the house. I lost 30 pounds during my pregnancy and was in the E.R multiple times because I was constantly bleeding. I used to lay in bed crying for hours holding Jonny. I realised what he was doing to me and how he was affecting the children and I kicked him out.
My mom got out of rehab and moved in to help me with the kids. Rite before I had the baby I let him come back foolishly believing his promises. I wanted more than anything to have a family.That my children would have mommy and daddy.
On March 27th 2006, I gave birth to my second son Anthony Nico. While I was in the hospital, Jon disappeared for 24 hours, come to find out he was with a 16 year old girl, while I was recovering from giving birth to his second child. In August 2006, I FINALLY came up with the courage to leave him for good.
It's still extremely difficult. I loved him with all my heart. Rite now I've been free of him a little over a year. It's still hard not to take him back as crazy as that may seem, we did have some good times, and I was madly in love with him. Hes' 22 now and has a 15 year old girl pregnant, and I'm found alone raising the two little boys who saved me from myself. It's the hardest thing I've ever been faced with. But I'm doing my best. They deserve nothing less.....