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| coming out :) |
hi
and so I've finally found the strength in myself and this strength is leading me to the dean to confess my sins (that is failed exams) and so he could tell me what I can do - if I can study further or it would be just wrong to keep such an idiot as me on the Uni.
I guess thought about suicide won't leave me for my lifetime. I guess this is just what I am used to think while in stress. If I really wanted to do this (besides that I'd have been dead already) I wouldn't dream about suicide as a way to acutally get help. You don't know me and you must see how lame I am with all this issues but I really can't do nothing. I am like in cage, limited with my fears, stresses and probalby false believes about myself and world. I am so used to avoid dealing with my problems, or rather solving them by denying them whichl is some kind of coping. Not very effective as can see anyone who wasted some time to read a few of my blog entries.
And what I can say. Nothing changes. nothing changes
I just feel that people seem to be a little more kind to me. (or not unkind what is an advance anyway). When I stopped being all the time a trapped terryfied animal I saw that some people seem to like me a bit.
Yeah, the feeling of wasted life is the one I know very much. I really am mad at whole world that the life which meanted to be succesfull and full of sense and self-fulfilment - is a world of sorrow, self-loath, dissapointment.
I have lost. I always deny it but there are some moments that I must be honest with myself. And the truth is that I have lost. Everything. I am really something what I really wouldn't like to be. And I am too ... hmmm ... proud ... withdrawn ... distrustful ... and I guess a bit overhelmed of all this what is happening. And beside these all I want to finally have some control over my life.To know who I am and keep to it.
What can I write more? I am just me. It is freezing outside so suicide in my way would be so effectinve :) . I am not saying I do want to do this. Besides I do not have this pills anyway and feezing being sober is just unthinkable.
peace
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Posted by isitme on 2009-11-02 05:14:05 | Rating: | Views: 26
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