I've thought a lot about the way I see men. It hasn't taken much for me to realize that I have a very one-sided view. I mean, its ironic because I get all pissed about being categorized and generalized, but that is what I am doing. I am totally generalizing. I didn't mean to and I've been going on what I know, but there is a lot more out there than what I have experienced.

I realized that showing emotions, for me, is weakness. I HATE showing emotions. A close friend once told me that all of my emotions manifest themselves in anger. I find that I get extremely angry when I cry or get emotional, especially in front of men because I assume they are thinking I am weak, and I deeply envy their ability to appear unaffected. I assume they are rolling their eyes over how ridiculous I am. Because that is what I am thinking.

I dont' allow myself to feel shit, and I dont' admit it when I am feeling shit. Wow, and here I am being pissed at guys for being like that. I understand why -they do it for the same reasons I do, right? Because you've been conditioned not to feel, either by society or other circumstances. Its not like you're working at it - its not like you're stabbing a fork into your arm to avoid feeling shit. Its that over time, and over the course of events in your life, you have been conditioned to behave this way. It is not your fault.

How do I give my own self permission to feel, without automatically thinking I am weak for feeling? And how do I learn that men are not cold, callous a-holes. They feel shit, just like girls do. They really do, dont they? I know it probably sounds ridiculous that I am even posing that as a question, but its hard to believe. Its hard for me to believe because all I ever see is this marble facade. I see my sister with a husband who, for all i can tell, hates her and their kids. I see a father who cried once, when his father died. I see a brother who treats his girlfriend as though she owes him something and lies to the rest of us. I have a boss who is really nice at times, but he talks crap about his wife and has an unpredictable temper. But that's people. That doesnt have to be men. There are women who could be described exactly the same...  

Okay, actually, I'm feeling more positive now that I realize I have been generalizing.Im going to try to assume that guys are not assholes until proven otherwise. This is like a wierd epiphany for me, and I'm really grateful for the opinions I've been able to read about this stuff, it has reallly helped.