It's fascinating to me how completely opposite, and yet correct, two perspectives can be.
I remember so well what it was like to laugh, to spit, in the face of faith. I'm not going to go all into it. But I was thinking today how I just, am so grateful for my faith now.
And yet, when I think back to what it was like when the only faith I had was in myself... I handled things just fine. I did not live in fear, or worry. I didn't feel that I had no hope.
How is it that now, I look at my faith with this feeling of relief? How is it that now, I feel as though I can't imagine life without the reassurance that God is in control?
It's almost... I do feel as though it is about God's timing. I'm kind of feeling like He reveals himself... that He has a timing about it. I believe that He wanted me to live a life outside of the knowledge of His presence, perhaps to help me understand, not only the depth of meaning His presence has, but I do think also as a reminder of how easy it is to live that way.
I think when you believe God is real, and good, you have a tendency to worry about those that do not. But I think, I know, that God is sovereign, and that He will reveal himself to anyone who earnestly seeks Him. I believe that He views friendships with people the same way we do.
If you take time to get to know me, I'll reveal myself to you, and if you don't, we can coexist in the same universe, not really knowing eachother, but perhaps crossing paths now and then, or not. You know how you might really dislike someone based on what you know OF them, but you've never taken the time to actually know him or her?
I look back on my hatred of God and religion a bit that way... I was looking at it all thru other peoples' perspectives. Through my mother's annoying motherly faith - thru the fake or dimensionless faith of other family members, through a pastor's "hellfire and brimstone" faith...
But what I never took the time to do was say "you know, you might actually be a dude I could chill with, if I tried looking straight at YOU, not thru the lenses others provided.
I still find that to be a struggle. I want to hate God because of things I see... things I perceive as Him, but they're not necessariy Him.
I want to blame Him for what is going wrong, and rightfully so. I'm human. But there are moments of crystal clarity that are SO vivid, and they remind me that the way we perceive things WILL easily cloud the fact that He really is good.
There are moments when I can actually laugh, and feel overjoyed, as I look at the shit around me, and there is SO much shit. And I have to think, only God could bring me to this place of peace, where all is well in the eye of this cyclone.
It's an odd existence, though, I must admit, where I find myself both adoring, and utterly despising my creator. But I don't think he would have it any other way, and I'm not sure I would either.
I am not someone who is going to go quietly when it comes to anything that is out of my control. I spend half my time telling him to fuck off, and that he's a total asshole, and the other half thanking Him for loving me so much, because I know that he does. I don't understand it, but I know that His plan is all about love, and purpose, and compassion.
I mean, I do sort of want to punch him in the face sometimes. I read this story (emailed to me, of course, by a coworker who sends touching forwards ad nauseam, which I often delete without reading) today about how some tribe's ritual for male adulthood was to leave the boy in the woods blindfolded overnight, and if he makes it til morning alone, he's a man.
In the morning, he removes his blindfold to find that his father was there in the woods with him. He just had to show courage. I'm not one to spend my days forwarding touching email stories like that, but I think it's a good analogy for the way God watches over us. He ain't gonna do it all for you, you gotta get the balls to do a lot of it yourself. There are lessons to be learned. Don't be such a pussy about it. I mean, what do you want? You want to have a little tea party and play dress up?
Whatever.
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