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| sometimes you just have to roll with the punches
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its odd when someone you once depended on, needed..
reaches a point where, you honestly have to ask yourself if you really want to associate with this person anymore.
if this person, really has anything to offer you right now.
this person has changed no doubt. and.. perhaps what was glueing me to this person still, was just a hope that the person i knew... would eventually come back. that my lingering presence.. would be impossible to bear and.. leave no choice but for this person to return to normalcy.
a friend put it nicely, she said no matter what the history if someone changes and although you may be waiting in the wings for that person to switch back, at some point you have to ask yourself if you even like this person anymore.
this is the place where i am stuck at.
i am completely dumbfounded.
i honestly sit here.. with no real.. how can i put this? .. if i had to put my feelings for yay or nay ... on a pedestal and weigh it out and see which side im leaning more towards... the pedestal would be neutral.
and i am relieved and shocked all at the same time by this.
this is a person, i truly honestly.. cared for more so than myself at times and did any selfless act possible that i could muster if it just meant making things more easier for them. this is a person i depended on to go to the corner, just so i wouldnt have to do it alone.
but this person.. who i held with such.. admiration and.. bond .. pulled away. not intentionally, or atleast thats their story, but purely because of distractions. they realized what was happening but their actions were not that quick to reflex.. it took those thoughts some time to catch up with her actual -actions-.
unfortunately, maybe out of my own fault.. i expected too much? i refuse to believe that excuse. i simply believe in the simply ideology that you should receive back what you give out. if there is ever a shortage of the two.. the machine will break. the machine being the relationship whether romantic or platonic. eventually either party will grow tired .. and start to "run on empty" with effort.
this is what evidentely ended up being my reality.
i, being the party that grew "tired".
at first.. being "forgotten" hurt like hell. i wont deny that. im not that proud not to admit that yes.. i became so close to this person.. that having this person pull away truly hurt my feelings. i often found myself argueing with myself because i had never let another person..let alone.. a friend.. get under my skin about whether or not they had "time" for me. shit, another person i would have told them i was better off. you dont have time for me? alright, well i dont have time for you.
but i saw something in her.
i still believed..shed come around eventually. its not as if.. she was gone completely it was just no where near.. like it was before.
after that it was a roller coaster, shed have her good days and her bad days. the bad days would pile up in my mind and each time something would happen similar to other incidents, that particular incident would get the wrath of THAT incident and the others BEFORE. i was just accumulating all this amo of things i was angry at her for or resented her for. i was angry that she would let a rift come between us. i was angry that i cared more about where it was we ended up. where it seemed she was more nonchalant about the whole thing, because.. i still to this day believe she never thought id actually walk away.
shed thought id be by her side like a sad puppy.
with the most recent incident i find myself indifferent whether to speak to her or not. this was of course the cherry on top of the cake of incidents. the cherry that TOPPED them all.
i just think.. the tea kettle can only take so much heat before it starts yelping to get taken off the stove.
i think i have already reached my boling point.
what i miss, isnt what im receiving right now.. so whether or not i rekindle this, does not mean in the long run i will be getting what it is i want. i could very well end up in the same pattern we were on. and lord knows, i dont want that. because these past couple of days i have felt relieved. for reasons i cant understand or fathom.. i do feel relief.
i dont want to think..it is because now i no longer feel she is my problem my responsibility, because it was not as if she was a chore... i faught to see her.. i wouldnt do that for an "obligation". atleast i dont think so. maybe i felt i owed it to her? and now i dont? now i dont think i should give her anything?
i dont know.
but i dont want to believe thats all there is to it.
i just think all these "incidents" were getting to me more than i was leading on. more than i was even consciously aware of. since it was always a game of tug and war, a lottery.. i was always on edge. i also hadnt fully recovered from the FIRST set of incidents let alone the other ones that had accumulated through time.
and now.. shit i have a laundry list of incidents i havent fully.. "gotten over".
even if i picked it up right now, it wont be any where NEAR the same.
that why im giving it time.
im giving myself time to decide what it is i truly want.. and if there is even any purpose to pick things up again at this time.
maybe she needs a couple of months, maybe i need a couple of months. i havent decided, i havent convinced myself of which way is the right way of dealing with this.
what i do know is, these past couple of days have NOT been bad in the slightest and i think thats a good sign.
but it has only been a couple of days..and a decision can not be made in such short time. i atleast like to think things through very carefully.. i like to keep my list of regrets very short and this helps me keep it that way it also helps to not be impulsive which can sometimes lead you to trouble. i very seldom regret a decision i make, but its because i make sure that im doing what i think is best for me.
and right now, im not too sure what that is.
so.. whenever im not sure.. i just.. dont make any moves.
so like a tree... ill be rooted here for the time being. :)
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Posted by ineed_peace on 2008-05-13 22:51:48 | Rating: | Views: 73
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"start to "run on empty" with effort". Maybe that is where I am. Thank you.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-05-23 00:10:43
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Were you not the one who just said "can't get anywhere if you don't move" or something like that?:P
OMG, you two are sleeping together?:O :P
True, can't make snap decisions like that sometimes. But, it sounds like this has been stewing a while. Also, it seems friends--particularly women--have ups and downs. My sis has been friends and enemies with her friends all her life. Most recently, it was her own fault for crabbing so bad cuz her friends decided to go for drinks when she did not want them to at her wedding. Talk about Bridezilla. RAAAAWR!! Hisssflaaaames...
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-05-23 03:08:25
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