its been one of those days.

im tired but im not tired all at the same time. ive spent my whole day besides the morning.. at my house.
this morning i dropped off dylan and normally jeannie would be there with me but she had a funeral.
i continued what we normally did even if i was by myself.

i went to key biscayne, and at first i didnt think it was going to turn out so bad.

when i parked, well thats when things took a different turn.

i sat there in my car staring at the ocean and the cruise ships.. and i just couldnt help feeling sad.
i guess ive figured out why i hate being alone so much.. the mind wanders.
well my mind wandered right up to my childhood and i started missing my mother. -sigh- somethings that became a habit now.
i started missing the days at the keys and the boat trips. again, something i took for granted and couldnt WAIT till i was old enough to not have to participate. how stupid of me.

i couldnt help myself.. i started to cry.

i feel like repressing all my feelings surrounding my mothers death.. and the loss.. hadnt affected me so hard as it has these recent months. i have never missed her so much. i have never felt like i needed her more than now. i feel like im walking in circles and no one in my family.. knows.. because i hide it from them.
to their defense, this is something ive done to myself. ive built a wall around me since the day she died, and till this day i havent allowed them fully in.
there is just so much they dont know.
but she does... because she sees everything.

after i cried for a little bit.. i couldnt believe i was siting there alone miserable..
pushing all those feelings away for so long.. have finally come out now to bite me in the ass.

what i never allowed myself to feel.. i suppose..
is only now coming to the surface.

i miss my old life so much it hurts. it hurts my heart. it hurts my insides. this is not how i imagined everything would be. maybe it will get better.. just right now.. i just feel so sad.
life hasnt given me.. much in return.

i just wish.. my sister and adrian .. wouldnt steal from my dad. that they werent such cheap skates and try to save a dollar any which way they can included.. tricking my dad into supporting them so they can have money in the bank. i wish my dad wasnt going out with a woman who has so many insecurities. she doesnt make it easy to live here. not to mention having a daughter i hate and vice versa. oh wait im also forgetting her boyfriend.
i wish my family was close. and i didnt constantly feel like i dont know where i belong and i have a big void in my chest. i wish my aunt wasnt crazy.. and didnt decide to push me away. i wish my cousins cared more that im not around. i wish i was happier, constantly happy. that i learned to accept my reality.. and move on from memories.. i can never repeat.

..it...just..sucks..

i wasnt even in such a sad mood before i wrote this. now i am.

maybe these are just problems i have to work through before i can be "normal". issues i hadnt even realized i had. or let myself realize.
i dont know. its hard to make sense of what your going through..when nothing is making sense to you.


i just wish i didnt feel so..

empty.