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I don't know what happened. I just completely lost grip of the moment. I disappeared out of the present, I could see myself from the outside. What a joke this superficial life is. Those moments scare me. I get them too often, and everytime I start thinking of why. Everything seems so meaningless sometimes.
What is the point of having morals.
What is the point of not smoking weed.
What is the point of beeing honest.
What is the point of doing good at school.
What is the point of appreciating my family.
What is the point of following rules.
I can see what all of this does to me. The whole situation with lies and secrets. It makes me depressed, yet I can't make myself stop it. Even though I know that stopping it would've made me much happier.
Sometimes I think about just running away. I mean, I've got somewhere to go, I could get a job. Continue school. Doing good. But becoming a part of that society... Too much drugs. Too much competition. Too many of them. Too superficial. I don't think I really want it, but then why am I dragged towards it? I get closer every day. I don't know how to stop it, it just happens. Should I be stopping it? Refusing to let in? It feels so right, even though everything around me as well as my intuition tells me it's wrong. I wonder how I can say that it feels right then. Should I trust my feelings or my intuition? I've always trusted my intuition, but now I just... Can't stop it.
I love him. I love it. I've always had this fascination for this. And him... The bastard of a nerd. Why can't I just forget about him and move on. I would've been so much happier without him. And it scares the hell out of me that I'm able to write it, but can't do anything about it.
He's too wonderful.
Last night he made me cry.
I hate him when he does drugs.
I've told him, he says he has almost quit.
Only does it when he's with other friends who do it.
No spending money though.
I have no idea why it makes me so upset.
Is it a good thing, or a bad thing?
Should I be more positive to him, even though it is drugs?
It's really disturbing to realise how fragile I am.
I wish I still had the balance I had about a year ago.
Last year is my definition of happiness. |
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Posted by incense on 2008-06-09 11:12:25 | Rating: | Views: 68
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