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I've stopped thinking. I can't help but just letting things happen and go on like they use to. I can't
change anything as I want to. I can't stop what I am doing, even though it's wrong. Or I can, but I
just can't make myself at the moment. I think I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I started puking. I had this horrible headache. I passed out on the buss, and God knows where
I ended up. Mum had to pick me up and carry me to bed. I guess everything is just piling up, and I'm at
a point where I'm about to break into thousands of pieces. Now I'm constantly on pain killers.
Kyle is confusing me. He won't leave my mind for one second. I wish I was free from him. By doing what I
am now, I'm not really coming there. I stay with him. Let him stand on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
Watching him lie up my face, pretending everything's fine. Then telling me how much he loves me. How
much I mean to him. And I believe him. I've stopped telling him I love him though. He doesn't deserve
to hear it. Let him be jealous, let him feel strange, let him be scared that he might lose me. While
he gives me the best orgasms, as well as the most depressing moods.. And the happiest. You never know.
On top of it, all these exams coming, all the pressure at school. Got to have A's...
Trying to be a good person. Although I know I'm not.
Pretend everything's fine to my parents, I could never tell them I'm still seeing Kyle.
This fucked up combination of lies, pressure, unhappiness and happiness.
I. do. love. life. I tell myself. Because I do.
Just.. Not when it's disturbed by such elements. I hate to lie.
I know I should just get rid of him, start som chakra-lessons, learn my light energy field.
Paying my attention to family and nature. Focus on school. Be honest.
I'm also wondering if future is something one should think about.
I mean, it is good having ambitions. Goals. Something to reach for.
On the other hand, I believe in the eternal moment. No past, no future.
The time is now, and the place is here. All the time. No looking back or looking forward.
Still, if I do that in a too large scale, I might lose my dreams, will I?
"In this very moment, I DON'T WANT to do my homework for the exam tomorrow."
Can't possible be a good thought, can it.
What a self-contradiction. |
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Posted by incense on 2008-05-29 14:11:30 | Rating: | Views: 84
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