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Price tag for being happy!

I read this just the other day - 'The best love affairs in this world are those which you never have'. How trure I wondered... Well, these days there's nothing more than wondering that I do. I wonder what if life was a bit different from what it is now. I wonder what if I was a bit different from what I am now. I wonder what if things would fall in my platter. I wonder every day and every night. I wonder all the times, almost 24x7.

And after wondering all this time, I get tired by the end of the day. Nothing is going right in my life. My home front is toppled. My work front is hazy. And my personal life is fucked! Fucked and how! I don't know what sin(s) had I committed in my past life that I'm repaying for those sins in this life. I guess I deserve it. Repaying and all...

I hate myself these days. I hate myself for being what I am. And for not being able to be what he wants one to be. How lost should I feel in life?! I feel like a loser at every step of my life. Be it my home front or work front or my fucked up personal front! Nothing works well. Why can't my life be smooth? Without hassels, without worries? Or is it compulsory for me to learn the hard way? I mean, I won't mind if for a change things fall in place... and smoothly. But I guess, my life is not meant to be smooth or easy.

Which is why I prefer staying invisible to the world. Where I'm not seen. Because being seen here is as equal to being invisible. And you don't even feel bad this way. Because you don't feel like complaining, because you are invisible to the world! And everybody around you is happy that way. Nobody can see the real you. Nobody knows what you are thinking. Nobody knows what you are feeling. End of the story!

Well, that's only for the outer world. But it's you who knows what you are going through. You die for a choice which you had made. And which is why you don't talk to anyone about it. It's better this way I guess. And who cares as to what you think! The world around you is happy to see you HAPPY! Well, that's what they see... That you are happy.

Anyways, I don't know if I make sense or not. I don't know whether I'm right or wrong. And I guess now-a-days I write just for the heck of it! I'm going mad... I'm losing it with each passing day!

Why does happiness have to come with a price tag? And, the price is too high for a timid being like me. But, I chose to pay for my happiness. But I guess, it's time now! Time now to give up, time now to lose it, time now to be at peace. I cannot afford this happiness now. I just cannot afford it now. Can't I just run away from everything and be myself for once? Because, by not doing so I'm not hurting just me, but also people around me. They are getting more hurt. I don't really care about myself. But I've hurt people around me so much that it's high time that I grow up. Grow up and be mature! Not for my sake, but for people around me.

When will it end? When will I get the right to be happy again? When will I get what I want? When will he like me for what I am? When will we be together? And happy! When will I have him by my side? When will everything be fine again? When will I have answers and not just questions? When on earth will this ordeal end!