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| I'm sitting here wondering why it is what it is...
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This is really my forum for my thoughts. I can’t really explain why I feel the way I do about some things.
I am finishing up my morning assignment and just waiting for the white out to dry so I can start making some copies. It is this time in the morning where I have the time to think about things going on in my life. I really never saw myself here. If you would have asked me years ago what I would be doing and where I would be… I would have guessed something completely different.
If you were to ask me when I was still in high school, I would tell you that I would still be with Kevin. Kevin was my high school sweetheart. I loved him more than I think I have loved anyone, sometimes even my own husband. I know that is horrible to say. But there was just something different between me and him. I could really see myself being with him forever. With Garrett, my husband, it is a lot harder to imagine us growing old together now. I have almost had to make myself believe it.
I remember this one time, me and Kevin were walking home, and it was snowing so beautifilly and thicky. The only light that immersed us was from one light post… and you could just look up and see the snow falling, and we just had the best time walking and hugging and throwing snow balls all the way home. That is my most precious memory that I have experienced in my whole entire life. I miss feeling that way. It makes me sad and I kick myself everyday for making such stupid decisions. Although.. it is bittersweet because if I didn’t make those dumb, selfish decisions.. I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter who I love more than anything in the world.
Garrett doesn’t know how completely lucky he really is to have me in his life. He takes me for granted most of the time. I get so burnt out on trying so hard to make things work between.. I become numb and don’t feel anything for him. I don’t feel hate, or sadness…. It is really a numbness that comes over me. That is the only way I can feel halfway content with the way things are and deal with the way he doesn’t treat me. I know that you cannot change people, but I want him to revert to the Garrett I knew and loved when we first started dating… before being married and having a baby.
Counseling works for about 2 days. That’s it. I know, how sad. We just can’t seem to find a place to meet in the middle. He likes to go out with his friends all of the time… have fun and have no worries. He says that his friends take him for how he is and don’t complain. Well.. I don’t want to settle for any less than I deserve. I deserve to have someone love me and be interested in what I have to say. I need someone to need me in the ways that I will need them. I want my love to be returned and to not be conviently forgotten at times. I want to have inspirational conversations that exceed the daily controversy. I want so much more that he cannot give me… that he will not give me.
All of this downer talk is making me so sad. I am going to leave it at this for today.
*J
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Posted by ikinoii26 on 2007-12-28 13:42:50 | Rating: | Views: 127
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Sweetie, it sounds like you are both making each other miserable. There was a country song a while ago that said, "I'm so miserable with you gone, it's almost like having you here." We all have those people in our past, the what ifs, and the I shouldas, but you can't go back and I think that even if you could then it wouldn't be the same. We have a tendency when we look back on things to only remember one part of them. But their are always at least two sides to anything. I hope you find happiness.
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Posted by skyler28
on 2007-12-28 13:49:20
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I could have almost written this myself.
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Posted by Whitters
on 2007-12-31 11:55:27
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