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I am so busy with work, fucked up marriage and I am stressing big time. My hubby still wont talk to me. He sleeps on the couch. I am wondering if this is the final bis huge fight that will end this marriage. He cant go no where because he got no job or money. I opened up his email account and his sister emailed him sying that she had received thier late mother retirement money. she will send him his share once she receive the check. It is not big but some extra money especially that he just got a contract doing mobile comic. Good for him. Eventhough he treats me like crap, I still want to see him sucessful and living his dream. I guess that what love is all about. If I ask everybody out there what they think, I bet you guys gonna say I am so.....stupid. I dont know, I just love him. to me he is my soul mate even with what we are going through right now. Why do I have to love him so much? Maybe with this pain in my heart I feel alive?
What gets me is this. I am so happy and relax when I am at work. I can control my anger and keep cool. But as soon as I got home I will become this inpatient, angry person. I wonder why?How am I going to change this. I dont want to go back to smoking weed like we use to 10 years ago. That was when we use to live in the US. Getting high was a nightly thing that we do to relax.
This is another reason that i started this blog. I need to let out my frustration with him and my family ( that another stories) so that I can be a happy, loving and relax person. So bear with me if i am just rambling and you guys outthere cant get what i am tryig to say.
I just need to find peace, find myself. That it! I need to find my self. all this while I do things for people. Everything I want to do is dictated by other people. Like when I want to start a business, my sisters will dictate what kind of business that we should open ( we business partner since ahe got money and I dont, but I got tons of retail experience) or my husband will get upset because I want to start a business with my sister instead of him. So i abandoned the business idea and help him out which that didnt work out either.
If i dont listen to any of them and just go with my guts, i would have a business and living my dream. Now i is kind of difficult because my credit so bad ( loan/credit card for hubby business) that it will be difficult for me to get any loan to start a business. I have to come up with something, soon.
As for hubby, I dont know whether he is going to leave once his business takes off. I dont want to think about it but I do. I'm not gonna stop him. I have my pride. I have to be successful before he does. But he is close to realising his dream, while i am burried deeper in debt. Am I gonna be poor and misarable while he is ging to rich, living life and probably a new wife? i that what my life going to be. Watching from a distance and my shattered heart probably will turn to dust........ |
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Posted by icedragon2 on 2008-03-28 07:40:38 | Rating: | Views: 79
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Please read my blog, 5 wishes, it will maybe give you somewhere to start with finding yourself. It's helped me in my little quest to finding myself.
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Posted by Deana
on 2008-03-28 09:04:57
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Thanks Deana, i read your blog on 5 wishes, interesting. i will give it a go.
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Posted by icedragon2
on 2008-03-30 05:27:05
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girl it sounds like you're in quite a situation. I personally feel you don't need to give up your dreams to support someone else. If he really is your soulmate, he should know how important your own ambitions are..and I'msorry to say that he may well be taking advantage of your generosity and just sitting on his arse because you've got his back. you deserve to have a life too!
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Posted by ffeeona
on 2008-04-07 08:30:52
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