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What the hell is a blog? Me (or anyone) writing down a bunch of mindless crap? or not, more like a journal I see. I don't usually keep journals though. I've tried before, but everytime I look back at what I've written I get depressed and sad. I've insinerated all my old notebooks except those with poetry to 1: try and forget and 2: keep everything hidden. Things get overwhelming at times and I still like to write my thoughts down (usually when I'm depressed, fancy that) and just like everyone else (well not everyone) work out my woes in words. But the only thing I can say about today so far (or life) is BLAH!! *tounge out the mouth, finger down the throat sort of vomiting noise that is the best description of a crappy situation* Usually I don't write about me directly (just my random thoughts) but right now I'm pretty miffed. Only about an hour ago I was walking down the road a good ways, mumbling to myself like any dedicated crazy about why the hell people have to hurt each other and why the hell do I do and say such stupid things, and of course had to make a stop at the corner graveyard before I came home. I like grave sites to an extent (not really into creepy things), but I couldn't leave the graves tusseled and have their flowers strewn and tipped all over the place. It seems too disrespectful a thing to disreguard the deads' homes. Before that though, I was over at his house. Ah, yes......his house. Three weeks ago, I didn't know that house existed (I might have cared less), but it was unavoidable since it belongs to my dad's best friend. Ever since I made that critical decision to move away from my complacent, stifling mother, there has been drama. A lot with her, but also in that house. He's a dork you know. Shorter than me, very hairy (hee, I say he has hobbit feet), balding a bit even though he's only twenty five, pale, works as an IT (genius), and so not the most attractive fellow, but to me he's absolutely adorable (those blue eyes could take anyone in). He's been around the block a few times even so. Not near a month ago his eight year relationship with a greedy, slut (and I'm not exagerating), came to a diasterous end (and they were to wed). Now, three weeks later, I get to catch hell because of her. It's obvious by now I should think, I like the dude. I don't say it lightly either. Solitude, though I can smoothly fake friendship, is my way. I don't like many people. In fact, he brought me on my very first date and gave me my first kiss (sounds a bit childish I know). I've not had a relationship ever!! Till now...... but it's not been long and already I feel the sifting sands between my feet. I am paying for another's crimes and my heart will not survive intact. I have already been thrown aside once. Something was belived out of context and told, a friendship was threatened, and he was not fully healed from before. I don't want to hurt you. Isn't that an ironic staement to give before you tell someone you can't see, talk, or hear from them. It wasn't a true statement, but it still hurt. When I walked out of that house things were settled and not broken, but akward. Staying would have resulted in a barfed up burger due to tension, but getting a ride home in his car would make me feel like a child again. So I walked. I love to walk really. One day I'll start and just keep on going, not even a pause, because it just feels good. People like to stare at me as I travel. What's she doing? Why walk down this long ass road? Is she talking to herself? I even looked for that little green elf girl he swears he saw in the forest. After that, I have been at a loss for what to do. How do we stand with each other from now on? Do I wanna know? Three weeks isn't much, but it's enough to know what would be a mistake. Three weeks ago the only thing I was sure about was that I'd grow old alone, lonely, and bored as heck. Now I can't be sure of much. Accept that I like sleep. I get so little of it these days. Truth is, he's not even my biggest issue, just a new one. Somedays I wish to go to sleep and never have to wake up, but those days I drag my butt out of bed anyways.
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aw hun, youll be ok. i dont know about other people, but ive never been in a serious relationship and its hard to picture myself in one. three weeks sounds so long to me. maybe im just afraid of commitment. sometimes i wonder if ill ever find a guy that i can honestly see myself with. its just that i have trust issues. i cant trust men at all. maybe ive just had some really bad experiences. well i dont know. just know that you will find someone better for you who wont say that he "doesnt wanna hurt you but..." --micaela
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Posted by McRainSouth99
on 2008-06-17 23:51:24
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I still dont get how ppl can do this with their personal stuff. I have done a few vents and it doesn't make me feel any better. I often wonder if I'll regret it yet later.
And, suddenly I want to walk down that long road with you:) Its ok if we dont talk or look at each other the whole time. But, I am sure it will happen eventually. Does it matter if I have blue eyes?:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-06-20 01:19:07
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| Views: 53
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