I don't know what has happened to me.  I got out of bed this morning right when the alarm went off, I even almost put on make up and styled my hair, rather than go for the classic pulled back look.  The kids clothes were hanging neatly in the closet, shirts and pants together (God forbid I let them match their own clothes).  Breakfast was waiting in the fridge, so there was no mad dash to mcdonalds this morning.  This is such a vast improvement over the way things have been for the past two weeks, that I'm shocked that at this moment I'm experiencing an anxiety attack that has me on my knees praying for help.

I have to explain to a Tennessee state auditor how a loan that was done 8 months ago was a benefit to the borrower.  Of course it was, we don't do any dishonest loans, but how do I put it in to words?  Then a response to our Alabama auditor, This was actually a good audit.  Only one exception, it's just a standard close out letter, but when I think of it, my hands shake.  Then I have to approve a loan.  I've done this hundreds of times, but suddenly it occurs to me what it means when I sign and put my license number on the form telling FHA that I'm confident that these people will make their payments.  I wonder if a doctor has the same anxiety when he is about to operate on a patient sitting unconscious on the table in front of them and one screw up can ruin their lives.  If I don't explain this right, the state of Tennessee will charge us huge fees, it doesn't even matter what the truth is, it is what their perception is that matters.  Those huge fees, along with the decline in business because of rates going up will mean that more people will have to be laid off.  We are in a small town, we have husbands and wives working together here, our collapse would hurt my family, and several others.

I think that all the jabs that I have been getting from Allen about my laziness and incompetence are starting to get to me.  Part of me knows that this is all just what he has to do so that he feels good about jumping back in to the business and taking my position away from me, but suddenly I have no faith in myself.   I look at the auditor needing a cogent explanation, the loan officer needing a loan approval, employees needing answers, and children needing strong leadership and an example, and  suddenly it's like they are all sitting right on my chest.  I feel like I'm being pressed to death and I can't breathe.  I just want to run away and find a quiet place where no one else can see me and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Still, I'm here, and I'm still trying to make it all work.  I'm terrified that I will mess everything up, but I've been there before, and I've gotten through.  But Lord, if you can see me know, and you know how scared I am, and how much I need your help right now, please give it to me.  Please let me know that everything will work out, just like it always has,  That you are taking care of me, just like you always have, because how else does a teenage mom who never went to college end up in a position like this to begin with.  Open up the way for me to find happiness and satisfaction.  I'm willing to do the work,  I have always worked hard,  but I need to know where to look.  I need to know that you're out there, because right now, I just can't do it alone.