Thoughts.com Blogs - What you never knew about Sock Monkeys

About a month ago, my little girl was happily surfing the net when she came across a picture of a Sock Monkey. I’ve noticed that 11yr olds, when stumbling across something for the first time, automatically assume that their newfound treasure is a recent addition to their generation’s inventions. She became convinced that she was one of the first on the planet to observe a Sock Monkey in all its glory and insisted that, were she to acquire one, she would be the luckiest girl in Middle School. Since I love her so damned much I decided not to burst her golden bubble and inform her that someone’s great-great grandmother invented the damn thing.

Instead I decided to wow her with my homemaker skills (which I lack considerably) and make her one. The first challenge was locating a pair of those exceedingly ugly freaking socks. A stroke of pure luck led me to some in a craft store. I have to be honest and say that I couldn’t fathom why some asshole in the 1880’s would waste the time fashioning socks in three colours. You’d think those ancient bastards would have had better things to do… like surviving cholera and typhoid.

Anyway, as I was in possession of the hideous socks, the next hurdle became finding a pattern to refer to in the construction of my sock-masterpiece. Any modern American would immediately turn to the good old Web… and I did. What I found, however, was quite alarming. While my Google search for “sock monkey patterns” did turn up a few rather shoddy sketches, I was assaulted by the mind numbing atrocities that I’m about to list.

COCK MONKEY: *scroll down to 2nd pic* I’m not sure what the hell to say here except that I’m not sure I’d ever leave the house if I had one of these. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.made-in-england.org/images/penis.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.made-in-england.org/%3Fcat%3D16&h=446&w=460&sz=40&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=47vKEPprV-CHIM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=128&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsock%2Bmonkey%2Bpenis%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den

FROCK MONKEY: If you weren’t already hated in high school, imagine how wearing this to the prom would strip away your cool points. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hazelandmelvin.com/files/hazelandmelvin/images/Monkey_Dress.preview.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hazelandmelvin.com/products/sock-monkeys/wearable-art/sock-monkey-dress&h=500&w=276&sz=27&hl=en&start=32&um=1&tbnid=07bBG7o1-RxShM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=72&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsock%2Bmonkey%26start%3D20%26ndsp%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

SPOCK MONKEY: Trekkies like to get their little pinchers into everything. http://www.inman.com/blogger/uploaded_images/sockit2me_1671_3419314-710064.jpg
WHAT THE FOCK MONKEY: I’ve done a lot of kinky shit in my time, but I can’t say I’ve ever gone this far. I can’t say I’ve ever WANTED to go this far. http://www.indybay.org/olduploads/sock_monkey_at_abu_ghraib.jpg

MAKES YOU HARD AS A ROCK MONKEY: Her (banana) milkshake brings all the boys to the yard… http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.chezclot.com/dotclear/images/blog_010407a.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.chezclot.com/dotclear/index.php/2007/04/01/79-1super-sup-avril-2007&h=529&w=480&sz=62&hl=en&start=48&um=1&tbnid=38rCOy6kz5X_wM:&tbnh=132&tbnw=120&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsexy%2Bsock%2Bmonkey%26start%3D40%26ndsp%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

And I thought the world was going to hell when Knocked Up Trailer Whore Barbie was sold separately from her Baby Daddy.