Whenever I have a question about life I do what any red-blooded 21st Century American would do… I Google the answer.  Not often am I let down by Google, but when I am I resort to Ask or Dogpile.  It’s not often that I come up short.  Tonight, however, I’ve come to the realization that not everything can be found on the web and I’m, therefore, forced to resort to asking real people. I balk at this a little because I’m hard pressed to believe that my target audience will in any way be open and honest… and yet I’m still going to give it the college try.

  I have a bunch of questions for new stepmothers and the girlfriends of men who have children not living with them.  My questions come in no particular order.

1)      If you date a man who admits to not seeing his children for years at a time, it’s likely he’s not going to come right out and say, “I’m a deadbeat who didn’t give much of a damn because kids only get in the way.”  As a matter of fact I imagine I could poll a hundred absentee fathers and each of them would have some excuse as to why the Vapid Bitch (aka the child’s mother) wouldn’t let him see the kiddo.  Do all of you women fall for this and immediately jump to his defenses, or do you have the presence of mind to suppose that there may be a middle ground?

2)      If you do have the slightest inkling that the man may have been too self absorbed to consider his own children with another woman, what about him is still attractive to you?  I mean, I understand that he may be hot, but what is it about a man who can’t take responsibility or show love to his flesh and blood that still turns your crank?

3)      Why do you complain about the amount of your man’s child support?  Do you believe that you deserve his money more than the child he brought into the world?  Are you against him feeding and clothing that child? 

4)      Why do you try to gain the child’s devotion, showing no regard at all for his or her mother?  While it’s possible that you would make a good parent, are you at all aware that you aren’t THIS child’s parent?  Do you believe that you must sever the child’s bonds with its mother in order to look good in your man’s eyes?

5)      Why do you speak ill of the child’s mother?  Is it really reasonable to assume that anything you say will make that child love you more than the woman who has nurtured him or her?

6)      Why do you insist on screaming child abuse every time the kid has a bruise?  Do you honestly believe that God sent you to save the child from some malicious mother and that she’s been spared the wrath of Social Services this long simply because you weren’t around?

7)      When it’s apparent that your man treats his child badly, why do you insist upon covering up his actions and allowing his abuse to continue?  Why do you continue to bad-mouth the mother of the children when it’s obvious that your man is unfit?  Do you believe that you can change him, or that he will treat the child better with you there to watch?

8)      Why do you make rules that alienate the children from their mother when they are in your home?  Why make them abstain from talking about her?  Why forbid them from calling her?

9)      Why do you personally attack the mother, as if she’s remotely interested in you? 

10)  What joy do you get out of harassing or otherwise harming the mother?  Aside from giving your man something you haven’t, what has she done to so offend you that you focus your attentions on screwing with her?

  Some of these I’ve read about and others I’ve personally experienced.  I’m at a loss as to why these things occur.  My ex had two children whom I had a great relationship with.  I didn’t shower them with gifts.  I didn’t tell them their mom sucked… as a matter of fact they had issues with their mom that I tried to sooth with comforting words and assurances that she loved them and only wanted the best for them.  I never hyped up their dad to them because his actions were all the hype they needed.  I was myself all the time.  I did the same things with them that I would do with my own daughter.  I never played favourites.  If they wanted to talk to their mom, I handed them the phone. 

  My ex told me a lot of bad things about his previous wife.  I didn’t believe everything he said simply because his mouth was moving.  I realized that he had his own interpretation of events and I allowed him to vent, but I never formed an opinion of her based on those things.  Honestly, I formed my opinion of her through her kids.  She has them full-time… they were smart, respectful, and funny… and that meant she was doing something right.  I respected her for that.  Sometimes I would agree with my ex and say she sounded loopy, and other times I would tell him to knock off his hateful shit and get over it.  For all the faults I knew for a fact she had, I knew she was human and wasn’t perfect.  Honestly, I knew she was doing a far better job than he could ever have done.  When I saw him being inattentive, I called him on it.  When he did something I thought was even remotely questionable, I talked to him about it.  He wasn’t a terrible parent, he was just me-based… and I told him that. 

  I did care whether they liked me or not because they had to be around me.  THEY didn’t choose me, their dad did.  That put them in the odd position of having to put up with me.  I made sure they knew that I didn’t have to be around if they were with their dad and just wanted to be alone with him.  I let them know that they could always come to me.  It took a long time, but I worked to gain their trust.  It wasn’t easy, and it couldn’t have been forced on them.  The first time one of them hugged me or held my hand was an accomplishment that I cherished. 

  I’ll never forget the time that the ex told me he wanted to sue for joint custody.  I broke it down ghetto style, informing him that it seemed he only wanted to get out of paying so much support.  I told him that he was too wrapped up in himself to ever be an effective long-term parent.  I told him that it seemed he was harbouring so much hate toward his ex-wife that he just wanted to hurt her.  I told him that if he so much as filed the paperwork I would leave him in a heartbeat because I refused to be with a selfish man.

  I thought I was just acting as any woman in my situation would.  I thought that my care for the welfare of children was the norm.  It seems I was wrong.  I hear so much… I’ve experienced so much…  I’ve seen that the new girlfriend or the new wife will expend so much energy on being the “mommy” to children that aren’t theirs, or being the backbone for men who lack their own spines.  I’ve seen that the “newbies” are so intimidated by the real mothers and can’t, for the life of me, understand the mentality behind actions that serve no purpose but to hurt innocent babies.  I don’t even think they realize the horrible issues they cause because they don’t have to live with the repercussions every day.  And if they DO see them, how can these women be so cold as to not care?  If anyone has good answers, heaven knows I’d like to be clued in.