fear and trembling overwhelm me,
and i can't stop shaking.
oh, that i had wings like a dove;
then i would fly away and rest!
i would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
how quickly i would escape-
far from this wild storm of hatred.
psalm 55:5-8

i've never read a verse more beautiful than this one. this captures so much of the longing i've always felt of leaving this earth for something better. leaving everything behind to take hold of god in the perfect moment - where i can no longer be bound by my sin, where i can no longer just seek his face, but find it and touch it.

but living my life in the moment that was created for right now is important, as well. i think the question i've always asked is, "why were we put here when the number of people suffering greatly outweigh the number of people who find joy in their lives?" what's the use? what's the purpose? are we all just aimlessly floating around, serving a god that most of us really don't even believe in?

these thoughts were distorted by the enemy in my life for a really long time. probably from the time i was 5 years old until last semester, and it's still something i frequently struggle with. the idea of leaving this life for the next turned into a strong desire of death when i was very young. i can remember the first time i ever wanted to die... i was in 1st grade. i thought i deserved it. i thought it would make everyone around me happy, and then they could go on living their lives without ever thinking about me again.

the enemy is always at work, and his greatest weapon is using lies to transform our thoughts into his. i really don't know why i'm writing all of this. these are things that only one person knows, and she would never share them. i guess i'm just realizing that there truly is no condemnation in jesus.