I wish i could just change. I just had my car towed today and lied to my girlfriend about why it was towed. Because the real reason would reveal to her that i have been out of work for the past month, looking for a job mooching off her. I have a severe sex problem, I believe I am addicted to pornograpghy. I just love masturbating, it gives me a high that I can only imagine cigarrettes or drugs could give you. It has become a crutch and has helped my depression more then it has helped me. I am not in school, I can not pay my bills, i have no gas in my towed car and a job that can only give me 32 hours a week at 10 dollars an hour. I have no relationship with my God, I ignore him and everything to do with him, when i go to church i couldnt be any faker, I am a stone, and I am not changing. I am 23 and I feel like my life is over. It looked so promising, I looked so promising, I am young and my life has alot more to go but, i can not help but feel that it is only down hill from here. I can not find a worth while job, my cell phone is cut off, my cable is about to be, i owe student loans upward into the 30 grands and i flunked out of college after 4 years, I was barely a sophmore to show for it if that. What can I do, what are my options? I have a plan to get off of my ass, but i simply can not. I am so depressed, so much so i crave medication, but have no insurance and no hope of getting it. Daily I am on the edge of suicide, and I fantasize about it like one would a pretty girl. I can see myself dead; I can see my family trying to deal with it, I see it all, but mostly I just want it to be over. I have no real friends, no fake friends at that, it seems like no one wants to have anything to do with me, and with how I feel I can not begrudge them in anyway. You would think that someone as morose as myself would blame the world, blame God for my
"problems" but i dont. I blame myself; for every missed oppurtunity, i blame myself, for ever set back i blame myself. I wish i had someone else to blame, i really do, but in the end, looking in the mirror, there is only me, and on some days; i just want to break the mirror and slit my wrists with it. Do people have it worse? By far, far worse then i ever will or ever could imagine..with that fact in my mind, and me continuing to be in this state, is pitiful and sickening. I want to snap out of it; I want to have a family one day, i want to raise children; i want to be a success, but i am stuck in nuetral; with the gear moving backwards into reverse. I am regressing, i am reverting back to irresponsibility. I would be a mature 13 year, but now...I'm just a joke.