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| Feeling faithless and confused
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Ok, I realize this gets old and very aggravating...but yeah, it's something I have to work through. Since I can't share it with anyone else, I'll share it with you.
I was looking up info last night, and I found photos of Boston...where Matt is, and where I planned on going after grad school. Just looking at the pics, I recieved a lightening bolt of realization: I can't do this. Yes, I can get the degree and do the work for that, but there's no way I can possibly move to a city that large and make a go of it. I can't! I'm just a simple country girl. I'm not sophisticated, I don't possess a broad vocabulary, I can't speak with effeciency and ease of different art movements...I aboslutely cannot go to Boston and be successful. Which led me to another realization: if I cannot do that, then I'm not able to fight for what I want...thus, I don't deserve it. Ever since seeing the photos, I've been in this kind of...state of shock (?)...or depression....or something. It's very curious...because it doesn't feel like anything I've felt before. Almost like I am completely hopeless, which I have never been, regardless of how dire the situation seemed.
I believe I have actually lost my faith in happy endings. Until recently, I always operated on the grounds that karma rewards everyone, and everything happens for a reason. But what if it doesn't? What if all the signs I thought I saw, all the coincidences, were just that: coincidence? What if the gods haven't any idea as to what is going on any more than we do, and nothing happens for any sort of reason at all?
I'm terrified of going to Boston and failing, at my job and with Matt...but even more terrified of succeeding. Now I'm at a crossroads, and I don't know which road to take. The safe one is the one most familiar: I can go home, get a decent job (I already have one degree), and pay off my loans. I can save up money and start my business, and in about ten years, be running it full time...and be content.
Or.
I can get this degree, get a job (hopefully) in Boston, pay off my loans, develop a relationship with Matt, and be happy...or fail completely at all of them and be stuck in a city where I don't know anyone, and I'm not good at making friends. What if I fail...and what if I succeed? I just don't know, and everything is becoming more complicated. All I wanted was a simple life...to teach, buy a small country house, have a kitchen garden and my business on the side. I never wanted these kinds of entanglements...but it's impossible to put the blinders back on now, and that kind of life will no longer be satisfactory to me. Since I met Matt, I need more.
I wish I hadn't met him. If I had waited one more quarter, he would have been gone before I came down, and I would be perfectly happy with my simple life.
*Deep sigh*
Not that it matters. I promised the gods that I would give up Matt if Jess was awarded her aid for summer, and she was...so I must uphold my end of the bargain.
Before I do, however...I had a very ODD dream last night. One of my professors, Zig, was holding a party to celebrate a recent achievement of Matt's. It was a major affair, and I remember it was outside, near twilight, in a country-type setting. There was to be a structure built for Matt, like a comemmoration of his achievement, plus an award. I remember hugging and congratulating him on it, and he was acting very strange...not at all like himself...very talkative and just plain...weird. There was also something about acquiring materials for the structure...I had to get lumber, but I was sent after the free stuff...from the lumberyard in my hometown (a good 14 hours away from here!), and I wasn't happy, but it wasn't about that. I think I was unhappy because Zig had mentioned Matt (which always makes my chest ache) but he didn't know I was feeling that way. Then it kinda morphed into my classes for this quarter and the faculty advisor was snippity with me over them...even though they are classes she told me to take. So. The phone rang then, and I awoke.
Interpret that, and see how crazy I am!
Well, classes start on Monday, so I am going to try to gather the materials I need and tidy up some last-minute details. |
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Posted by herbalphoto on 2008-06-20 15:57:07 | Rating: | Views: 41
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