Tonight I am feeling as if I am amid an array of swirling emotions and I am drowning. The week has been very rough for me on so many levels; I should have known my hectic yet very peaceful weekend was the proverbial calm before the storm.
Monday was down right nuts, I am working 10 hour days this week M-Th so that I can take off on Friday for personal reasons and working 10 hours combined with the first of a long string of holiday dinners by our travel operators, by the time I got home from dinner, I wanted to simply cry myself to sleep.
It probably didn’t help that last night at the company dinner, my boss decided that it was my birthday (a month early btw) and wanted to embarrass me in front of the whole restaurant. So he fibbed to the wait staff, told the whole table of 20+ that we are celebrating my birthday and proceeded to enjoy the heck out of the wait staff singing to me, making me wear a party sombrero and having one of the wait staff smash whipped cream up my nose. Yeah, I got photos for proof but I don't think I am too eager to share them right now. *sigh* The saving grace of the evening was the three delicious strawberry margaritas that I drank to wash away the crap from the day. They were spaced pretty well apart during the 3-4 hour ordeal so that I was not a soupy light weight driving home as I am so not a drinker, at all!
I woke up this morning hoping and praying that today would be better, but alas, it was not. Short tempered I was today, everything and everyone seemed to set me off. Normally when I am asked to do something, even if its not what would be considered a job duty, I don't mind doing it. I like helping people out. I don't mind grunt work (when I am not in a skirt) and I don't mind doing the tedious mind numbing tasks that so many like to push off on others.
Today when asked to do almost anything out of what my current priorities are, I felt like I was going to flip my lid. I don't know why, can not explain it but that’s how I felt. I felt like I was on edge all day.
I went to see Granny tonight and am having a lot of mixed feelings right now where she is concerned. My dad (her son) and my step mom were there when I got there which was a shocker as he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with Granny at all. He poured on, maybe I should think otherwise but experience…, a show about how he wished it was him and not her, how the bad should go first and not the good and he did his little crying bit then came in the house and stat in the chair just staring at Granny lying there with her eyes glazing over and her mouth open and her breathing erratic and asked his wife where his rum and coke was. He brought one with him.
Please forgive me of my distain for my own father right now but my heart hurts in so many ways over this situation that adding his disinterest to the pile just makes me want to vomit. I don't know why he even bothered coming over. He told me once that he knows what he is getting in the will and so he feels that he doesn’t need to impress her anymore. Perhaps he is truly beginning (visibly) to grieve and he is sincere. I do not know the true nature of his heart.
The nurse visited today and told the care taker that she doesn’t think Granny will be around by the end of the week. What the heck is with the morbid attitude when it comes to being around a terminal patient? Just because you see mottling (purple or white spots) on the hands and feet and her breathing is shallow where she takes a breath, holds it almost a minute and lets it out, doesn’t mean she is going to die within days does it? If it does, then how come Granny bossed me around tonight? If she is going to die in a few days why did she tell me, not ask me, but tell me that she wanted me to make her eggs for dinner and when I did, she ate them. How can someone on their immediate deathbed revert back to when she was a debutant growing up in a wealthy home with servants, tell me that I need to let everyone know that dinner is served and when she was done eating that dinner has been dismissed? How can she look me in the eyes, smile with recognition and tell me without even being prompted that she loves me?
Her care taker L is such a negative person. Just because she has sat with a few terminal patients in the last two years doesn’t mean she automatically knows the signs and those signs match every patient in the world. Each person is different, we are born differently and we die differently. Granny sat up on the edge of the bed tonight and stood up while holding on to her rocker. Does that sound to you like a person whose internal organs are so close to quitting that she is going to die before Friday?
I am so hurt, my heart hurts so badly. I honestly feel nothing at this moment but a crushing pain that feels as if it’s consuming me. I need A but he is ignoring me. I want to be left alone. I need someone to hug me. I don't want to be touched. I should use a Kleenex but the feel of the tears streaming down my face is some how soothing.
Am I breaking? Is this what it feels to come to an emotional breaking point?
I was talking to mom tonight on the way home from Granny’s house and I told her that this feels different. If Granny died and I was not there, holding her hand providing us both some comfort then I would be ok. I would be ok. I would be ok. This feels wrong because it doesn’t feel like it did when my Papaw died and I didn’t want to let go of his hand, feeling that if I let go of his hand, it was truly final and I would have to admit that to my heart. It doesn’t feel like it did when Nana died after an eight year battle with breast cancer, how watching her day by day fade away while being her care taker felt. That gave me such a sense of helplessness yet such a feeling of doing. I feel... what am I trying to convey here, I feel like "its ok."
Granny told me tonight while I was massaging her cold feet that she is ready to go home. I told her that she is home (as she has been experiencing some confusion lately) and she said she knew she was at her house, but she wanted to go home now. I told her that she could go when ever she was ready, that everyone here would be ok, that we love her and want her to be free of pain and she can go peacefully.
Is it because the last 12 years that I could have spent with Granny were stolen from me by a jealous hurtful father? Is it because I am not as close to Granny as I was Nana or Papaw? Is it because I don't care enough? If I don't care enough, why does this feeling of heart pain feel so ripping?
It was almost 10 when I left Granny’s house tonight, having been up since 5 and at work until 6:45pm, I was hungry and knew it was too late to make a big meal and had decided on just making a sandwich but when I got into the kitchen and my love of cooking (especially when I am bothered/hurting) took over and I reached for the chicken breasts that I had set out to thaw last night and decided to make stuffed chicken parmagiana for dinner. I used pepper jack cheese instead of Swiss or white cheese and breaded them with Italian seasoned Shake & Bake breadcrumbs covered in a seasoned tomato sauce. Herb and butter pashed potatoes along with mixed vegetables (I picked out the asparagus tonight) and dinner was served around 11:30. Way too late to be eating but regardless, either I was starving or this is the best dang chicken parm I have ever tasted.
You know, normally I go back and reread my posts before posting them, checking for spelling or moments that really don't make sense but I am stuffed and emotionally drained and am going to take a zantac and go to bed.
Thanks for reading and please excuse any graphic descriptions, rants or emotional break downs. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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