When K called yesterday while I was at work we talked for a long while, he said that he missed spending one on one time with me last night and that he looked forward to seeing me last night. When I left Grannys house night before last, K was upstairs and so I just hollered a goodbye to him and left. Dealing with my dad was emotionally draining and I just had to get out of these once L came down stairs to sit with Granny.
While talking to K yesterday, I realized a couple of things regarding my dad. As I took care of Granny, feeding her, changing her diaper and massaging her hands and feet, my dad just kept staring at me with almost a glare on his face. He seemed like he wanted to help or do something but every time I suggested something for him to do, he just said “that’s ok, you do it”. So I don’t know if he resents the way Granny responds to me verses the way she responds to him or if he just wishes he could do more but doesn’t know what to do.
I talked to L this morning and she mentioned that it was decided to put Granny on continuous care so now a nurse aide will come in during the day for 12 hours and then a registered nurse will be there for 12 hours during the night. Actually, she has been doing her best to make this happen for a few weeks now. As she is disabled, she wants to be able to sleep through the night on sleeping pills and taking care of Granny is hindering that. I sometimes wonder why she even bothered to accept the job. Then tonight, I read her facebook status. Grrrr
Personally, I can not see justifying keeping L as a full time care giver if someone else is going to be doing her job. Come to find out that the day nurse that is now coming in as of tomorrow is not licensed to dispense medicine so L is still going to have to be there to do it unless K decides to leave his job and take care of that aspect himself.
I think part of what I am feeling is “out of the loop” K and L make decisions that I feel I should be part of. But then again “who am I?” because evidently no one wants to know my thoughts or feelings on the subject of Granny. I talked to K about this tonight a little bit. I still have my doubts despite his reassurances.
Some care giver who thinks she is qualified to be a nurse just because she has a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope thinks she can predict Grannys death just because she sees the “classic” signs, each person is different.
Granny can die when she wants to; stop trying to inflict fear into her families heads and hearts! Granny has already said she wants to go home and she has been “released” or told by every family member that it’s ok if she wants to go, she can go.
L called for the chaplain yesterday. She wanted to have someone pray over Granny and whatever chaplains do. L was disappointed. The chaplain sang Granny a song, talked to her for a little bit and then sat down and filled out his paperwork. L said that he spent more time doing paperwork than spending time with Granny doing chaplain things.
Before Grannys illness progressed to this point, she and I had several talks. See since 2007, I have been an Ordained Minister, so one of my main priorities besides making sure her physical needs were met was to make sure her spiritual needs were being met as well. I talked to her and asked her if she was right with God, if she had accepted him into her heart. I knew she went to church, has for many years, but I wanted to make sure her heart was right with God before she died. We have prayed together on many occasions since the first of conversations and she is at peace. My heart is elated by this and I pray that those who do not know Christ as their Lord and Savior come to know him because of this situation. That’s my take.
I am feeling lost at the moment. There is nothing I can do except spending time with her but that doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t feel like I am doing enough to help her in her transition.
Tonight the new nurse came in around 6:30; her shift is from 7pm to 8am. She seems nice but when she and L were changing Granny, she was a little rough. I was standing at the head of the bed and made them stop. Stop and start again but this time do it gently. As if this was your own relative. Then I grabbed my smokes and walked outside mad.
L came out and asked if I was ok because she knew I was mad and I explained that I don't like anyone roughing Granny up. Last week a nurse gave her a burse on her forehead because she was rough putting on a gown, tonight I heard Granny scream because a nurse was pulling on her too hard. What kinds of nurses are picked for hospice care?
K came out and L went back in, we spent some time talking and it’s nice to have a sounding board. K is a very neat guy. He is funny; constantly keeping me on my toes and making me laugh and smile. The banter we have back and forth is so awesome. He takes what I give and gives it right back to me. I really like that he doesn’t hold any punches, he tells me the truth and handles it when I want to argue with him. He holds me when I cry and hugs me for no reason. He has become attached to me. I don't know how I feel about this or him at the moment.
Here I am dealing with Granny being as comfortable as possible in her last days, my dad starting to thaw and still needing to lean on me, my sister Stef finally getting past her fear of death and becoming somewhat more involved (even if its only by telephone) and my mom jealous of the time I spend at Grannys house and getting home too late to call her some evenings. I don't know that I want to add a relationship to the mix. I think my biggest thing is this – I don't want a relationship forged on common grief. Does that make sense? I don't want a relationship to form because of mutual sadness for Granny and because this situation has thrown us together constantly. I told K this before and he agreed. Verbally. But his actions show differently. I did tell him that when the time comes that Granny dies, if afterwards, we spend time together and get to know each other on different levels then I would really be open to a relationship with him. He is a really great guy, caring, loving, anal retentive, thoughtful and appreciative of my time. I like him. He makes me laugh when I want to cry and makes me think about things when I just want to fade into myself.
Tonight he told me that he has found some things missing from upstairs, he knows I have nothing to do with it as I don't go upstairs but he thinks L’s son went through things before he moved back home and something are missing. Things that are important to K and he doesn’t really know how to address it with L. He knows she will stand up for her son and deny everything but the truth remains. K didn’t steal from himself and he didn’t misplace the items that have been in the same exact spot since he moved into Grannys house years ago. I just told him to double check and always give the benefit of the doubt first. He could have moved stuff while cleaning or something so before he addresses it with L, he needs to double check and look again.
Have you ever had nothing (that you know of yet) in common with someone and yet you never run out of things to say when you are with them? We never run out of things to talk about, we enjoy each others company and even moments when we are cooking together in the kitchen or sitting in the living room watching something on TV, it’s always so comfortable. He is so candid about things and it’s refreshing.
Ok, I just realized that the above couple of paragraphs make me sound like I am 13 and having my first crush. Might be its time for some sleep? I read somewhere that when you lay down, you actually grow upwards to half an inch because the discs in your back expand as they relax. Let’s see. My drivers license says I am 5’12” (no really, 6 foot but I don't like that) and so I guess I grow to be 5’12” ½ when I lay down. NICE! Haha
If you got this far, thanks for reading my long plop of words. Love you greatly.
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